I have wanted to post so many times… started so many times. But without updates it really seemed very pointless.  It was hard to see the negative comments about there being no updates,  however rare they may have been, and I have felt terrible about the frustration that people have about the story not continuing.

I am frustrated as well. I have rewritten a relaunch to Xylia no less than seven times.  Two of the rewrites have more than two chapters!  But then I’ d get stuck, or waylaid in the real world, then stop writing, go back to what I had and it was ‘all wrong’.

But honestly the biggest problem isn’t time, real life problems,  writer’s block, or  insecurity – and those are all there in multitudes.  The biggest problem is that I have changed.  Profoundly.  The person that wrote the previous chapters of Xylia and the romantic story of Talismen doesn’t really exist.  My life gave me some further rough lessons on love and relationships that make those stories not ring true for me anymore.  I’m not faulting those who DO feel that way, the romantic and hopeful society who I once called myself a member.  But sadly, the repeated heartbreaks I have beaten that outlook out of me.  The idea that some guy would keep searching for some fairy woman in a block of stone seems absolutely ludicrous to me, when I look at my life as a human woman NOT frozen in stone and I can’t even find a man willing to spend a few years with me, forget about LIFETIMES.

I know that Xyliacs will argue with me because you were drawn to this tale (as I would have been once upon a time) BECAUSE of its sweet almost naive hopefulness. The idea that there is such thing as true love between men and women.  And I know that for some that IS true. My parents have been married for 62 years. Many of my friends have been married a long time. And a lot of my friends are in long term relationships or getting married.  In fact MOST of them.  For twelve years I have been alone.  For a time, I thought that loneliness would finally end when I became involved in a long distance relationship which was really just two years of waiting for a hopeful outcome of togetherness with someone that ended up being nothing, and being ultimately rejected and abandoned.  But even during that relationship I was still alone here in Iowa.  Going to weddings, parties, graduations, everything ALONE.  Which I still do now alone- when I go at all. It’s getting really difficult to do that anymore.

I dated a few other times, but each of those ended up being with people who were initially hiding the fact that they were profound substance abusers and that just doesn’t go for me. Ultimately what I’m saying with all this is, when it comes to love or romance, I am profoundly jaded.  So… a story like Claudius and Xylia’s, which was once very personal to me as the projection of what I hoped for and believed might actually be true, makes no sense to me now.  How can I put my heart into something that means nothing to me?

I guess this is problem with doing that in the first place. It’s better to distance yourself more from your creative outlets.  But that just never seemed logical to me.  If you aren’t putting yourself into a creative outlet, it’s not really an outlet, is it?

But- all that aside, I still feel very indebted to the Xyliacs and other internet friends.  You have been loyal and supportive to a fault.  And that’s where my story really lies I think. Not in a love relationship between a man and woman (which is not in my cards, and I’m certain of that) but in friends- not of physically present people, but sort of ether people.  I know you all exist, but most of you I have never seen or talked to.  I know you are very kind in the things you say, but there is still that distance that the web puts between everyone.  But you are still there, you all have said wonderful supportive things, and for that I am very thankful and you are the reason I am trying to figure out how to continue the story.

The only problem.  There are no hugs in the internet.  (I am a very huggy person- that’s the part that’s hardest to do without)  But I’ll figure it out.

So stay tuned. I have been writing.  I know what I want to do- but it will be a bit different somehow.  I hope you are all well, and thank you again for reading my story.

E-hugs,

~B

Sorry I missed last week…but…. you know.  Well, some of you do.

I know that there are people out there that don’t get why I even update this site at all if I’m not putting up comic pages, but it’s really just for that handful of you who really seem to care what’s going on, and not just: ‘Where is my comic!  I want my comic now!  My free comic, that I somehow feel entitled to!!’ Oops.  Did I type that out loud?

Seriously though, there was another one of those comments posted on my last blog, and the thing that I found a bit frustrating is when people say, “I don’t read the blog, but why is there no comic here?”  And sometimes not in such friendly ways. (Those comments I don’t approve because I don’t have to if I don’t want to.  Nyeaah.)

In summation, to anyone out there who is going to ask this question again, here’s the deal- I’m a mom first and foremost- and as a single parent, I have to do that primarily on my own with no real support.  Granted, my kids are getting pretty self sufficient, but I still spend a great deal of time with and for them.  I run a household alone (if you don’t know what that means see taking care of home,  paying bills, taking care of cars etc…etc..).  I have my own freelance business which has become quite busy,  and work a second job.  My parents are older and I try to spend time with them as much as possible.  I also work out regularly (ideally 5 times a week) to ward off fat but primarily to keep my BP down and keep my health and sanity.  Additionally, I deal with occasional  bouts of depression that makes everything I mentioned above go slower at best – or completely shut down at worst.  Somewhere in all this, I do try to spend some time socializing with friends and dating too.  Cause, well…uh  I think I kind of deserve that.

Now. If you are coming here and asking “WHERE IS MY COMIC FIX?  WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THIS WOMAN?”   please read through the above and locate out of that the EXTRA 16 hours that I will need to get just one page of the Xylia webcomic up on the site. I’ve looked for those hours, and I have been having trouble finding them.

THAT’S why Xylia has not been updating.

Sorry for that rant, Xyliacs, but I wanted to post a blog that I could refer these people to in the future to read so they can get their questions answered without me having to work for it, since THEY aren’t willing to work for figuring it out.

So, where was I?  Oh yes.  I hope all of you here stateside had a very nice Thanksgiving holiday.  If you’re like me (and I really hope you aren’t holidays are a real challenging time.  I forget that this is so sometimes, and then they sneak up and do a leg sweep and knock me on my butt.  Which is what happened this year.  The first half of my Thanksgiving day was an unpleasant one, but the last half was nice. Until I ate way too much and felt like the Goodyear blimp. But anyway.  I know some of you are dealing with difficult times this year, and I hope that you were able to find some support and love.

Enough on that, how about Xylia?  Well, my busy time has ramped up even further.  So much so that I am not getting to the gym or seeing friends as much as I would like.  As much as I WANT to work on Xylia, the back burner is where it stays for now until the holiday orders are done.  It’s a matter of me finding a schedule for it, but I just haven’t figured that out.  I am really anxious to tell the story- I think you will like it- I do. *frustrated…*

I’m sorry to keep everyone waiting so long, sometimes I wonder if I should just shut the site down so that people won’t wonder any more, and then bring it back when I finally can, but I hate to do that too.   What are your thoughts, Xyliacs?

Thank you again for visiting the site, and again I apologize for the way things are, but most of it is out of my hands right now.

————–Response to November 14, 2011————–

Miamistax:  your comments about the sketches made me smile- I think you need to go back and read chapter 1 of Xylia.   Thank you for your kind words on the ‘chicken scratchy’ sketches of mine… and Happy Thanksgiving to you as well.

Meridian:  “can I ask what’s happened to this comic? I haven’t been here for more than a year, because it just wasn’t getting anywhere.”  My response to your inquiry is above. Since you ‘rarely read the blog’ it’s something you wouldn’t know, so I’m helping you out.  (Course if you don’t read the blog… you won’t see this, so why did I bother? hmm….)

Nathaniel: Sounds like you are getting a good work out!   I actually do several different types of exercise when I have the time, which I don’t right now. Alternating 4 mile jogs at 6.5 mph with sprinting interval days (going up to 10 mph. ) My knees can’t handle that all the time though, so sometimes I do elliptical training.  When I’m not so flipping busy, my weight training is an hour long class 3x a week (ideally) with high reps.  And I also try to get in a 15 minute pilates core workout- as often as possible. If I had LOTS of time, I would do yoga a couple times a week too.   But right now it’s all about my art jobs though, and it’s very hard to get the exercise in.  “…which will also make a healthier heart than running”.   Running is more for my mind than anything, but I’m not too worried about heart health right now: my resting heart rate is 42 (I’m shooting for 35) , my bp is 118/65. I had a complete heart work up a couple years ago (before I was in this kind of shape) and was told I had the heart of a 20 year old. Not shabby for 46.

Francisco: I hope your new job is going well!  And yes, that was Ambrosia in the pic.

Skewered Viewpoint: I do hope Thanksgiving was all right for you this year.  I thought about you quite a bit. And yeah, the schedule is going pretty nuts.

Canterrain:  thank you for your response to Meridian before I had time to blog.  And thank you also for the nice words about the sketch of Charlie- you are pretty much spot on catching the gist of the image.

Joe: Yeah, sorry this is late!  Bosslady had to be the boss of a lot of non Xylia stuff.. adnt heat will only continue…

Ayshara: Glad that your sister is doing well.  Sorry I misread your other post.

Julie: I hope you had a great Thanksgiving as well!  I am hoping that we can work together on some more of your characters in the future! ^_^

Jamming: but you ARE great as fans.

Thanks all, I hope to post more regularly soon, but I can’t make promises in December.  Is what it is. 

Hugs, B

——————–Xyliatales News———————–

Today’s teaser is a panel from the upcoming chapter… WAIT? Um. Little Charlie? WHAT?
:->

Yeah, well….that’s all on that for now… he he he he heh (evil laugh…)

Thank you all for giving me your thoughts on nudity/language in webcomics, specifically THIS webcomic. Here are a few highlights from the discussion that I really appreciated (especially because I know many of you are writers…):

Nathaniel: “Strong language is thought to make characters rougher, but honestly tons of ordinary people curse like anything – and not all rough characters will necessarily curse. Their dress, actions, and what they’re saying all have a far more drastic impact than the language. Sorry to go rambling about this, but the lack of mature content in this webcomic is something I’ve really appreciated.”

From Jamming: “People are more than just raw emotions and instincts, just as they are more than intellectual exercises. Your work embraces the middle ground and hints at both extremes.”

Silent Mech had this to add: “I also agree with Jamming about the fact that us Xyliacs come here for the story and the visuals, not the chance to see one of the characters in some skimpy outfit, or some thing like that.”

Miamistax said something similar to Silent Mech: “I also agree with Jamming about the fact that us Xyliacs come here for the story and the visuals, not the chance to see one of the characters in some skimpy outfit, or some thing like that.”

And a great summation from Francisco: “On taking Xylia more mature, it depends on why it’s moving in that direction: if it’s in service of the story and where the story is taking you then go ahead, if it’s fanservice then don’t bother.”

Harena had some good points: “As far as the mature content goes, I’m with the others who would like the comic to stay the way it is….(I still shudder at the “loss” of another webcomic I used to read that started off as a light-hearted cheery thing and then the author decided to wreck each of their characters one by one and I just couldn’t take it any more. So Depressing.)”

Joe said this: “I don’t care either way, because I trust you with this tale. If it needs ta go to a mature place, I trust you ta take it there with grace and aplomb (hang on, gotta look up whether or not I just used aplomb correctly) and with the respect and love for the story that it deserves.”

Julie summed things up very well: “Of course, as with nudity, I don’t understand language without purpose. If it’s a part of who the character is (be they gruff or just someone who can’t seem to speak without swearing every other word), then use it. If it’s swearing just to make the comic more “intense” or “edgy” then it doesn’t pan out well for me. I can read some pretty harsh stuff …but I’ll stop reading something at the first “f*ck” (again, edited because I don’t know if the comments will allow it) if it seems forced or out of character.”

Truthteller said: “My thoughts on the maturity level. I’m good for artistic nudity. If people are just pointlessly being naked then it’ll throw me off on the story.” And another really good point here that I tend to agree with : “Swearing though is a large issue for me. I will stop reading a comic in a minute if there’s continual cursing. Someone made a point that it’s not worth it just to substitute a swear word for another word. But sometimes, you can get really creative with it and it boosts your writing skills.”

And finally Joseph added: “I am a man who has been known to set aside a novel when the non-stop profanity/vulgarity just got to be too much. (No Virginia, everyone does NOT talk that way).”

Thank you all for your insights. It was really what I expected because as I have always said:my readers are AWESOME, brilliant, and well read, and not looking for a lowest common denominator. You also trust me enough to know that I would never GIVE you something in the story that is pandering to basal instincts preferred by the pop culture industry. Thank you very much.

———————Barblog——————
It was a much better week than last in Barbland; thank you all for reading my ramblings of my last blog, and thanks to those of you for writing such supportive things.  I am still incredibly busy – even more than before, but that’s okay.  Emotionally I have been much better.  Which is good because Iowa got it’s first little smattering of snow- BLECH!  It canceled with band practice of the little folk band that I’m jamming with.    Meanwhile my guy friend (who here on I will refer to as ‘Sarge’) has been quite sick with a nasty cold… as have also been a large percentage of the folks at the call center. *hack hack* cough COUGH! *  (I hear it all day…)  I’ve decided that I’m NOT getting this cold from any of these people.  I have spoken.

Getting time to exercise has still been a challenge, too. I’m just so freaky busy. But it makes such a difference in my outlook to get those endorphins happening… Gotta try to get that run in today before going my friend Pat’s birthday party (any of you who hang out at my broadcasts know my buddy Pat…) and then Jeremy’s band has a big concert tonight… but I SHOULD work…URGH . Last night I was good – I REALLY wanted to hang out with friends at another local concert, but I stayed home and worked like a good little ant…

It’s the time of year where opportunities to socialize are many and free time is few…

So…I have to pick and choose what I do with that time, but for a scatterbrained ADD gal like me…well… it’s tough, ya okay? My kids are priority of course,  getting to my part time job on time is too, and hitting my deadlines… have to do all that.   ‘Sarge’ is becoming a priority too…Wednesday I made him a big pot of soup, baked some bread and basically hung out with him all day while he wore a fuzzy hat and slept under blankets and cats. (And we watched Zombieland too, which was fun. ) I wanted to spend Veteran’s Day with him, but alas- I was working… Meanwhile, another friend was dealing with creative block, another one with getting cut from a local coffee house music rotation… and there are SO MANY friends I am behind on correspondence with. Facebook is one of the places I try to catch up here and there but it’s so silly. Facebook is not really a good thing sometimes. Addicting, weird… superficial, but I still can see what people I care about are up to, and with all the crazy busy juggling I’m doing, it is a good thing for my spinning absent minded brain.

Back on the subject of Veteran’s Day: I had wanted to post a blog Friday,  but as I mentioned in prior paragraphs it was a crazy work week, and I just couldn’t make it happen. So let me say here to all who have served our country or have been family to servicemen and women: THANK YOU. Thank you for doing what your country asked of you,  for your sacrifices. I have been blessed to get to know some amazing people who served in the Armed Forces the last few years, (some of them are Xyliacs) and I have heard some of their stories, and I am humbled by what many of them have endured (and continue to endure with chronic pain, PTSD…)

Thank you seems very small, but it is all that I have.

————-Response to November 5, 2011—————————-

Joe: Yep, Bosslady back, and crazy as ever. Splagooshmabobber. Excellent.. sounds a bit like Yiddish meets Dr. Suess…

Jake: yes, Murphy’s law strikes again… The ideas bombard me when I ‘m the busiest on something else… At least the ideas are there!

Gingerbread: Aw! yep, me and my headset working the call center. LOL! And you are absolutely right- nothing is worse for crazy brain than idle time…

Nathaniel: thank you very much for your insights on the story! ANd for the support on the weight loss– trying! I actually have gotten rid of most of it, but still not getting enough exercise for my liking.

Jamming: Yes, I am busy, and for the most part I am pretty happy, too. Definitely blessed with a smoother road than I’d been on for a while. It’s amazing how not worrying about making rent every month calms the soul…I really love what I’m doing for jobs, my kids are happy, and things are going well.

Silent Mech: Thank you for stopping by, I hope all is well with you too! Thank you for your thoughts on maturity in the story.

Ladyfox7: Yep… Murphy’s Law again proves its validity. Writer’s block gone. Time, gone. LOL!

Miamistax: thanks for the vote on ‘Jarzic’- I hadn’t even THOUGHT about how much ‘Jarvic’ sounded like ‘Jarvis’- good call. And thank you too for your thoughts on the story direction.

Francisco: thank you for sharing your story, and also your thoughts on mature storytelling here. I hope the search for work proves fruitful soon… It’s such a tough time out there!

Harena: aw, thank you for the nice comments on the pic of me. *blush*. And I’m so happy to hear that you are doing better. I am tickled by the story you are writing- would love to read it sometimes! Thank you for your thoughts on the mature story ideas…

Julie: thank you for your thoughts on writing, I really appreciate it. Yes, things are in high gear to say the least… YIKES! Looking forward to creating some new character studies for you again though. Once I get through December, it should lighten up… a bit…
And your two cents was excellent. thanks!

Truthteller: Thank you too for your thoughts on nudity/language. I am fine with artistic nudity too, but I also want it to make sense.

Strange Ian: “I’ve rarely been so excited to see a windmill!” LOL! That gave me a good chuckle.. ^_^ Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the story direction!

Joseph: Yep, I am hoping to keep the blogging up in a better fashion. I am using part of my Saturday at the call center (it’s really quiet here) to write up the blog, and it works really well. Thank you for your thoughts on language and nudity in stories.

Thanks all for reading and stopping by. More soon…

<3 B

My schedule is quite chaotic.  I work 26 hours a week at the call center which has been very busy lately. Then I have been rather busy with freelance which constitutes anywhere from 30-45 hours a week…This is all great for my piece of mind, but it is a juggling act!  As of this week, I am working out again EVERY day (because of a Halloween weight gain) which takes up at least 5-7 hours a week. My daughter (who is not driving yet) is in basketball- daily trips to the school for practice… soon the games will start and I won’t miss those…I also try to see all of my son’s gigs (he has five this month- five or six three different bands)  I also try to spend time with friends or dating at least once or twice a week. My band from a few years back was even flirting with reuniting, but I don’t see HOW that would get squeezed in.

And then there’s sleep.  I used to be able to run for days on 5-6 hours, but those times are over, I’m afraid.  The combination of regular exercise and just getting older has seen to that.  I miss having that ability, but it is what it is!

Throw in housework, car problems, doctors appts for a sick kid, home repairs, and the regular array of responsibilities of running a household and you can see that there is very little space in there for chilling out and working on my webcomic.  AND I WANT TO REALLY BAD NOW!!   Writers block OVER.  and THAT’S good, but now TIME!!  ARGH MY NEMESIS!

So, for the most part I have been doing all right, dear Xyliacs.  Had a bit of a blip with my weight- started falling back into old BAD habits (candy pumpkins at Halloween are a REAL WEAKNESS- ate those things by the carload last month) , so after a binge weight gain of eight pounds (YIKES! I’m  working hard to get back to where I was.  And I am.  And I will maintain… and that’s the difference from my bast battles with weight.  I make an effort to get back in shape instead of denying that I need to.

Emotionally, well… if you read my blog, you know the climate in Barbland can be rather up and down and still is. The winds and rains of heartbreak will rattle in my chest, but then a glimmer will return: a ray of sunshine of something resembling the sweetness of being a ‘we’ instead of a ‘me’… and then… alas no.  Another mirage.  I fight it as best I can, I find myself shutting off and locking up my deepest feelings of affection in a safe place, triple sealed, padlocked and deadbolted.  I have to now. Too many bruises and wounds left to heal.  I present a sunny face to most, but no one really sees the darkness anymore.  And I don’t know that I will ever share that again.  And really, that’s probably not a bad thing, but it means that no one will ever really know me- both halves of the whole, which means that no one will ever love all of me and who I am.  And that is something I am learning in this time to accept.  There’s a happy medium between wearing a mask and total self revelation.  It’s a razor’s edge in one way, but for now I’m gonna keep it simple.  Lock down.

The journey to let go of everything in my past will probably be an eternal one for me, made further more challenging with =recent wounds to added to the old ones, and trying not to hurt anyone else along the way or BE hurt again.  It does cling to me like some sort of difficult illness.  (So how about write about that allegorically, Barb… perhaps I shall…heh heh heh….)

Xyliawise… there is a lot coming along.  The upcoming story will feature a very important new character (or two) and the return of one and introduction of two very anticipated characters to the story.  w00t!  One  new character has a name.  Shall I share it?  Jarzic. (may change to Jarvic.. not quite certain on this..) I really enjoy writing this character a great deal, but that’s all I will say for now. (And I won’t mention if he’s based on anyone…)    The happy news is that three chapters are written in prose, one full chapter is scripted and thumbnailed, and I have several pages sketched and ready to scan and work on!  w00t!  (even have a whole page DONE and that is a bit of it here on today’s artwork)

Something that’s giving me a bit of pause is deciding if I want to make the comic a bit more mature (we discussed this a bit in a broadcast a few weeks ago).  There is an upcoming scene that could potentially have a bit of nudity (non-sexual nudity- like The Meek- not porn nudity…) Also, Jarvic tends to need to curse a bit…okay, a LOT… and I’m trying to decide on whether to maintain the more modest imagery and ‘#$#%$’ cursing or shift to a bit more mature nature.  I  wouldn’t mind hearing from you Xyliacs, as you are long time readers : how would you feel about a shift to a bit more PG-13 vibe than the story has had?  I know that ultimatley the decision is mine, but I still would like to hear from you all.  Let me just say that this has NOTHING to do with trying to get more attention or numbers, it’s just me as a story teller and what I am feeling about the story I want to tell.  It just seems apt to get a tinge more mature.  Not a lot, mind you- certainly not a lot compared to 90% of the internet content or movies or television….

Lastly…

I have started broadcasting again from time to time, but I don’t really have a set schedule, unfortunately.  Too many irons on the fire and last minute changes- two jobs now, two kids, a homefront to take care of,  a regular fitness schedule,  and a bunch of clients: who have been sending along or hiring me for lots of caricature jobs- and last minute rush jobs.  Also looking at reforming my band the Bad Actors, just cause there wasn’t enough going on… LOL!  And yes, I have been dating from time to time and hanging out with friends.   Anyhoo, right now I  have to be quicksilver, so  I really can’t schedule set times for fun stuff like broadcasts.  Just pop in on the site and see if I’m on the air, and join me!  I will announce broadcasts on Facebook and Twitter too – if the whim strikes me and the time is there, I will try to give a bit of notice… but no promises.

Okay, well I best be off, thank you as always for being so patient.  And for those of you coming back, please know that I am truly grateful…
<3 B

—————–Response to Sept. 4, 2011 Comments————–

Francisco: Congratulations on getting an interview; best wishes on securing that job- I really hope that works out!  And yes, you must get to writing, indeed!  I’m sorry to not send comments to what I have read so far- as you might know from my blog my life has a bit of a circus atmospher sometimes…   Best of luck!

Wayfarer: it is good to see you!  thank you for the nice comment on the Xylia sketch – and yes this is a very loose almost gesture feel to it- then I went in and tightened up the lines around her face for more focus.  Glad you like it. Thank you too for the nice words about things getting a bit more settled around here.  Can’t wait to share what I have for Xylia. I’m gettin greally excited about it now…

Joe: Thank you, I’m glad you liked that sketch too- you totally got the feel I was going for… just what is she thinking about you will have to see…

Nathaniel: things are actually going much better now, and I am grateful. I do try to count blessings daily  and remember that I have so much more than so many.  This blog is sort of where i go and ‘let my hair down’ so to speak.  These open admissions of how I’m feeling (as a single mom who deals with financial struggles, heartbreaks, and all the other things that adults contend with)  will likely slack off once the comic starts updating again and we get more traffic to the site.  For now, I use it as my blog/journal and sharing my tribulations seems to give others some sense of comfort that they are not alone in their struggles.

Miamistax: thank you too for the nice comments on the sketch of Xylia.  I suppose she mirrors some of the feelings I have in a way… and some of the writing may reflect that too. Where I used to identify with Claude more, I feel much more in tune with Xylia now, but I think that’s common in writing to understand the character you are writing the most.  Thanks too for the nice comments about my work.  I am writing from work right now.

Harena: I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with demons of your own right now, I hope you can take a sledgehammer to those Negavox soon!  Speaking of Negavox… when you see an upcoming Xylia chapter page down the road, I think it will bring a smile to your face…

Gingerbread: Yeah, I hope the loneliness goes away too. It is what it is, right?  You know I’ve had people tell me that we are ‘designed to be with others’… that’s usually people who are with someone, let me add. But I’m trying to move ahead as a solo person and be okay with that.  And if that is my lot in life from now forward, I must learn to accept that willingly and be okay with me.  I’m working a lot, creating, exercising, spending time with my kids, with friends and even going on a date here and there and those are all good things.   I hope you have good things you are doing, too! Hugs!

Julie:  thank you for the nice comment on the sketch, that was the vibe I was hoping to achieve.  Yes, all the story content that is currently online is a permanent part of the ‘Xylia mythos’  so it will still have bearing on future storytelling. The only bit that was scrapped was April and December.  Those characters were forced into the storyline ans simply didn’t fit, so I pulled them out.

Jamming:  Thanks for the nice commments on the style stuff I try to do- I experiment with concepts because I get bored easily.

Ayshara: I’m glad that your mom is doing better and is mobile now, I hope she continues to improve and get stronger!

MasonTx:  I hope the relaunch is ‘awesome’   I am excited about it. I will say that.

Tash: thank you very much, I’m glad tha tyou like the sketch, and I hope that Xylia comes back very soon too!

Crisjin: Yes, rewrites are very difficult.  I finally got on a path with this where things are coming together, and the story is going to draw you all in i believe… I’m really looking forward to sharing it!

KittensClaws(Rebecca): Welcome! And thank you so much for posting.  Sorry it’s taken SO LONG to respond…“Stories, whether illustrated or written, fantasy or any other genre, are in nature a reflection and facet of our own stories, lives, and souls..” That is the way it is with me too-  I know there are writers out there with minds that can draw from nothingness, but the stories I write tend to be as much about something Im’ subconsciously working on as anything.  The fact that they connect with readers, like you, tells me that we are kindred spirits trying to work on similar things – or at least there is a sense there.  Thank you so much for the kind words. 

Jayne: Yes I am doing better, but it’s never a straight or bumpless road for anyone. thank you for the nice comment!

Travelerr: thank you for the words of encouragement over work.  I feel the same, I have needed some good luck, and I have truly been blessed the last few months.  For that I’m really grateful… Thank you too for the kind words for the others among us.  It is good to see you again!

Alan: definitely in progress, and I truly can’t wait to share the story… Thank you.

Dreamer: welcome to the Xyliaces!  And wow, thank yo for the kind words about my characters.  “real’ seeming characters are what we all strive for.

Alys: thank you for posting, and welcome!  As I’ve said before – I don’t know if anyone is quite as sad as ME that I’m not updating- I can’t wait to relaunch the ship Xylia again!

Joe & Henrike: Bosslady here.   Sorry for the delay.  I’m here!  I’m Here!!
Thanks everyone for commenting and stopping by as always!  See you soon!

Hugs,

~B

I hope the beginning of September is finding you all well!  Thanks for all the well wishes at my new job (where I am as I type this ) Today’s pic is one of several sketches and concepts that have been quickly coming to me along with a lot of writing…

As far as me, this last week I was thinking a lot about letting go – about keeping my mind on the present and not looking back and let myself be mired in the past.  It’s something that has been a long time struggle for me; I’ve learned to not put much [if any] focus on the future, but I haven’t learned to do the same with the past.  I’ve identified this as a problem, just haven’t found a solution.  And in saying that, I spent a great deal of time thinking about things that happened in the recent past, wondering what I could have done differently, wondering if it’s all my fault things go the way they do, and trying to accept that everything that happened was *meant* to be…

In the meantime, I stumbled on a song that was one of those creative lightening rods for me. You know those pieces of art, music or dance that just speak to you and how you are feeling in such a perfect way it’s like it’s coming in and out of your soul?  This is one of those for me.

The late Elliott Smith – yet another lonely artist type – wrote and performs this and it just seemed to drop into my world at just the right time…it’s so profoundly apt to the way I feel it makes me wish I’d written it myself and it’s both comforted and inspired me as I’ve been working on the rewrite to Xylia…but while we’re  on THAT subject…

I’ve rewritten the relaunch no less than five times.  (One rewrite is three chapters!  I had even created a chapter cover for the first new chapter… Three chapters that I will not use in the comic, but will still be backstory to what happens.)  This time, with  THIS rewrite I feel the direction is the right one, for  me, the story, and ultimately you the readers. There is a new character that needed to come into this story; this character has been reworked, redesigned, and rethought so many times in so many situations, interacting with  many different characters, but now I think it all finally makes sense.  There were some things I needed to experience, people I needed to know, things I needed to feel for this to become clear, and as Xyliatales is sort of weirdly personal in some ways,  that’s what had to happen.  If you have been following my blogs over this last year and a half plus, there are things that you may recognize in the coming story.

I think that the relaunch will be a good thing.  I hope so.    Tying all the elements that I want in the story is one thing, but getting the right blend of characters is key to the story working and moving forward.  And I think it finally will. Crossing my fingers…

Another cool thing that will be happening is that I’ll be doing a casting call for Azloeans… keep an eye out for that!!

Thank you all for the kind words for my friend and fellow Xyliac who suffered a loss last week. I knew that you would all be kind in your support of him. He is facing a long road, and I hope that he will feel safe to come and visit from time to time.  I always wanted this Xylia place to have that feeling of coziness- sort of a ‘home’ for those of us who long for that… those of us who feel like Dorothy, just trying to find our way home- wherever or whatever or even whoever that really is…
See you soon! <3 Bosslady

—————————–Response to Aug. ————————–

Gingerbread:Yay for the job, indeed- I am sitting here on a most quiet Sunday, working on freelance projects and typing the Xylia blog!  w00t!  I’m sorry that you are feeling lonely, Gingerbread.  It just seems to happen sometimes, and yeah it does suck.. i’m with you there. I hope both of us find that loneliness is short – lived… hugs!

Nathaniel:  YAY!  Congratulations on the move and the 3d program!  That is some outstanding news.  Thank you for the kind words about my past advice, I really wish you well in that!   As far as God having everything planned out, I know that I struggle with that, especially when things happen that are not so terrific, and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do… but I just keep on keeping on and have faith that I can figure it out. Someday.  Just wish it didn’t have to be on my own…

Miamistax: Yes, that image of Claude and the bad faeries was kind of fun for me, and tha twill be an interesting time in Xyliatales… that’s all I will say abou that… Thank you again for thinking I may be sweet, but there are plenty of folks who believe the opposite to be true, and those are the people that I really ‘let in’ and were able to take blow torches to my innards… not making that mistake again…at least not for a good long while. But for now, I will live happy in knowing that at least some of the Xyliacs think I’m nice…. And yes this job is quite nice, and my freelance is coming in too.  Things in that aspect are definitely going a bit better.

US ARMY retired [Dave]:Yes, I agree that having a job that I feel I’m making a contribution is really huge for me.  More than making buckets of cash (something I’ve never done anyway…) Thank you for the kind words.  I do pray on this roller coaster.  It’s the only thing tha thas kept me from falling off of it sometimes…

  Francisco: Thank you!  i hope you are doing well also, and thank you for the kind words for our fellow Xyliac.

Julie:Yes that collection of characters is meant to throw everyone off a bit.   As far as Claude with the poii gem, you may want to go back and read the last chapter or two…   It’s all explained there…

Jamming: EW! HD failure.  I had that happen a couple years ago… no good that… thank you for hte kind words on the pencil concepts- actually this is the techniqe I reserve for flashback sequences in Claude’s long ago lives… I hope you got your computer running well!  Thank you for posting!

Ayshara:I am very sorry to hear about your sister; is she recovering all right ?  I can imagine it is a very stressful time, please don’t feel you have to apologize for not posting here!  I hope everything is going all right and she makes a speedy and full recovery.  Thank you for commening… hugs to you!

Rissa: thank you for the condolensces to our fellow XYliac.  Yay new job indeed, and it is certainly a unique and very cool thing to be able to do for the deaf and hard of hearing.  And it’s just a cool place to work!  Thanks for posting!  ^_^

Lex-Kat:thanks for the kind words for our friend whose wife past and for Ayshara’s sister.  And also for my new job!  things are going better here.  In no small part to the support of the Xyliacs…

Joe:Yes, Claude does come across as a bad boy libriarian… never thought of that.  Well the pen is mightier than the sword…

TigersharK: thank you for keeping up with things aroudn here… yeah I hope things get better too!  I really do… it’s not so bad, just working through heartbreak is not easy for me.  Thanks for the kind words on the concept art!  ^_^

Thank you again for visiting, my dear Xyliacs and for commenting and lurking and reading … stay tuned for more…
hugs, B

I hope the last two weeks have been all right for you.  I know a few of you have been facing the threat of a hurricane, so I hope that those of you on the eastern seaboard of the US are all safe. Then there was that east coast earthquake …crazy times!  I hope you are all well!
Today’s pic is one of our hero with some characters you might not expect to see him hanging out with…hmmmmmm….

I had a few sad sack things I was going to say today finding myself on another downswing – blogging and blabbing like I do – the week ended with me feeling a little overwhelmed and lonely after a really good and happy start to the week…but I have opted against such angsty blogging today.

I’m happily working in a part time job again to supplement my art income- it’s a fantastic place where we do relay transcription for deaf and hard of hearing individuals who want to place regular phone calls. It’s a really need service where we relay the typed info from the hard of hearing person to the hearing party and then type the response.  It’s not a ton of income, but enough to supplement and give me a regualr paycheck- the company owners are great people, the employees are all nice and the office is beautiful, and it’s great to be helping out the deaf community so they can make those regular calls we all take for granted like to the doctors office, the cable company, etc…

Another very cool part is that on slow call days (like today) we are welcome to bring in our outside projects, laptops, etc and work on our own stuff!  There are songwriters, students,  artists and creative folks all around doing the same thing I am right now!  So hooray for that.  It’s done wonders for helping me get my scheduling in order, and I’m getting a lot of art done.  Now if I can just get Xylia back up in the air…!!!

One sad thing I want to mention today, and the biggest reason I don’t want to talk about my own bouts of lonliness is that one of our fellow Xyliacs suffered a very tragic loss this last week of his wife of over twenty years.  I’m keeping him anonymous for his privacy, but I do ask that you wonderful Xyliacs turn your kind words and healing thoughts and prayers in his direction.  She was a very special and brave woman and this was a loving marriage..this will be the beginning of a very challenging time for him.  I hope you will join me in praying for or sending well wishes, thoughts and love his way.

That is all for my stuff right now, on to the response to your continued supportive and kind words…!

—————-Response to August 14, 2011————————–

Nathaniel: Sorry you are in the same boat of not knowing you will be accepted by anyone else.  Maybe someday…right?  Until then we shall all have to stick together and have faith that either way, it will be okay…

Miamistax: ” You’re sweet and nice and keep coming back with beautiful artwork and kind words. You’re never rude or aloof or uncaring.”
“Sweet and nice..”  aw…me? No… not really.  I have an apparently growing list of men who said they loved me who want nothing to do with me after they dump me to prove that point. And I mean NOTHING to do with me-like a scourge or something.  I try to be those things you say, Miamixtax: kind, sweet, caring, but don’t always succeed- and obviously not enough for anyone to want me in their life- at least not for a  long time, let alone a lifetime…Even so, I do appreciate all of you Xyliacs coming here in this oddly public of places to say kind words to me, even if you really don’t know what I a’m really like.   thank you for being kind to me.

Francisco: Thank you for your continued patience, Fransisco, and  I hope you are doing well!

Xyne:  your post meant so much to me- it really truly did.  Your allegory of the 3rd degree burns to the soul is so very apt- as is the need for a ‘team’ to help with healing.  I sometimes feel like you Xyliacs are in one way a team for me- you show me that there are people out there who can be kind, who do care about people they don’t know, and who are supportive.  I also want to thank you so much for telling me that my blogs in some way give you a sense of hope. That truly makes every thing worth while and helps me see some sense of purpose.  Thank you so much for that.

Joe:  LOL!  Yes, Bosslady is keeping on keeping on.  ^_^   I just may have to do a little video of myself as Chris Farley’s Motivational Speaker telling you all to ‘get on the right track’ and fall on a coffee table or something….LOL!  Thank you, Joe~

Christine:  Hee hee.. those goofy eyebrows show up on a lot of my characters, because they’re mine.  They appear most notably Ollie Steele from Talismen, but his were less of a haughty ‘excuse me?’ espression and one of complete confusion at everything going on around him (particularly trying to figure out Astrina…)And Christine, thank you for being a friend!

Julie: “Complete and happy”- I wonder if such a state exists.  I think it’s more what happens in those ‘moments’ that life is supposedly made up of.  Comforting, solid fence posts- moments in life where things seem ok, that are connected by long, twisting confusing bits of barbed wire, sometimes bent and tangled, stretching out until the stability of that next fence post ‘moment’. Believing that there is another fence post out there …somewhere… well, that’s the definition of hope, I suppose. I am self aware in some sense, but I do tend to see the dark parts much more readily than anything positive.  When people leave my life and don’t want any part of me, which has happened to me twice this summer, it seems to enhance or validate the negative aspects of who I am, because these were people that I let see all of me, all of the dark places and they wanted out – a clean break.  No part of me at all.  Since abandonment is one of the fears highest on my huge stack of scary stuff, it seems like a long, long way to the next fence post right now…. I don’t know if any of that made sense.  As always, thank you for posting, Julie!  (and for being patient waiting for Saludin…;))

Lance: Bitterness is a tough thing to avoid sometimes, I admit.  And the worst thing is that healing a broken heart is a lonely business.  At least for me. I don’t know if it’s even possible to heal, really. Sometimes there seems to be support, other times not.  But you just do the best you can… you know? Thank you so much for commenting!

Jamming: Good eye on the concept art- I am working in a little different style- I got some 8B pencils which are really soft and tend to give a freer line.  I really enjoy them a lot! I totally agree with you on sharing… the fact that people feel safe enough in this little site to share and support one another really does make me happy, and makes me feel less alone and I hope it does the same for others, too.

IAmMac: Thank you for posting again. (I know that feeling of should I or shouldn’t I say this?)…thank you for ‘saying it’. You made many good points, and I really appreciate everything.  (really liked the allegory about drinking margaritas, although mine was peach schnapps, and after 24 years, I still can’t drink ANYTHING peach scented or flavored… LOL!) Still taking small steps, like we all are. What else can you do?  Just keep moving forward.  One friend who just recently got divorced after 30 years of marriage, loved my old adage- “take it 15 minutes at a time if you have to… ” It seems unbelievable, but true, for a good part of my life after the divorce, I couldnt let myself look past an hour or more- the future simply was too scary… Still is sometimes.  One of the things I always loved about being a ‘we’ instead of a ‘me’ was sharing a futute idea…at least a little.  Maybe someday.

Shenmue654: Thank you for coming to the site for a while, and for your comment. That I feel unworthy of love…well some of it is my wiring, true.  But if you look at things from a scientific point of view…as far as odds and averages…I do seem to be repellant to fellows… 100% of the time.  Does this make them selfish, or me unlovable?  I suppose it’s a matter of opinion…;-) Thank you very much for your supportive words, and again, I ‘m grateful so many of you are patient in waiting for the return of Xyliatales...

Victoria: *blush* “It’s you we come to see“.  Well, I don’t relaly know what to say to that, other than thank you.  Thank you to all of you for not giving up on me when I am trying so hard not to give up on myself.  Those times that I long to be someone other than who I am- someone calmer, less fearful, less mercurial, with a mind that isn’t always spinning with crazy fanciful thoughts good and bad, I read a message like this from someone I never met who is encouraging me to just be …well, me.  Thank you so much for that, Victoria.

Silent Mech: I’m sorry to hear that you stopped working on your game, but I’m so glad to hear that you have discovered a new passion!  Not a good cook myself, but I love watching people who are (well, and eating the things they make!!)  As far as Xylia, I know I want to continue it- its just the technical hows, and then overcoming the fear of public failure that are my greatest obstacles… thank you all for your support- and good luck with your cooking endeavors!  ^_^

Sparks: AW!  CORGIS !! CUTENESS OVERLOAD!!!  Thank you so much. That was a wonderful example of a pic being worth a thousand words.

Jayne: You do all help me feel better with your words and your kindness. You really do.  (another one that thinks I’m sweet…what is up with that?  LOL!) thank you.

Lex-Kat: you DID see that pic right- that is always so cool when people do- see the little subtle stuff…:)  Thank you for your kinds words, I don’t really feel they are deserved, but that’s only my opinion, and I really must respect yours. Thank you.

Matt R: Awww thank you so much for sharing that ! I’m so happy the kids still like those caricatures! And he uses it for his business flyer!  Awesome. Thanks so much for the kind words.

LadyFox&oaks: Yes, the site is back not exactly sure what happened, but all is well!:)  So you know my feelings of ‘it’s not going to happen for me’, eh? I guess it’s just one of those things, but good for you for being such a great auntie!

Thank you Xyliacs!  I hope to write more sooner than later.
<3 (Oh, and I’m really not sweet…)
B

Every time I think you Xyliacs can’t impress me more, you do.

I know there are many things that I say repeatedly on this site and in this blog, one of them being “I’m sorry this is late”  another being “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to bring you new story in so long”… apologies that I worry have become meaningless after being said so many times – but heartfelt regrets just the same.  But one thing that I don’t think I could ever repeat often enough even if I said it several times in every post: I have the best readers on the web.  I personally don’t know if anyone that has ever written or put anything out in the public view who has such kind people who respond to them.   I don’t see how they could.

Even without an update in a year an a half, so many of you return here to this little site, read my oft pathetic ramblings, and still take time out of your lives to share things with me:  uplifting, encouraging, thoughtful sentiments and sage advice.

You don’t have to do this.  And that is why I am always so grateful, why I try to let you all know how thankful I am for this.

Heaven knows the more common responses people get on the web are the nasty diatribes of trolls.  The web is an anonymous medium – you can get away with scolding someone for whining about their troubles and no one will ever know who you are.   And yet, consistently you all respond to me in a way that couldn’t be further from the opposite.  So many of you, whether it’s your first post, or one of several comments your have shared with me over the months and years-  stop and take time out of your day to write.  It’s humbling, and never ceases to amaze and uplift me.  At those times when I feel the most self-doubt and fear of the world, you all come here and show me that it’s not all bad.

I don’t really have a thank you that I feel is strong enough to convey my appreciation, but I can say this:  these messages of support, caring, and advice show me that love is out there.  Alive and well. And I can say that it more than inspires me to want to move forward.  I feel about ready to burst with desire to create something.  Whether this relaunch to Xylia is that direction, it’s too early to tell, but I have a mess of ideas and I think that they are going to work.  Again, it may begin darkly, but what contrasts with dark after all?  Any good bit of creative work uses contrast.

Before getting into specific responses,  I want to share a little bit to clarify some things in my last blog.

First off, my cynicism about love is in no way across the board.   By that I mean, when I say ‘romantic love between a man and woman doesn’t exist’  I mean that it doesn’t exist for ME.  I certainly know it exists for others.  I see it all the time.  Some of you suggested that I surround myself with people that demonstrate ‘real long term relationships’  I am surrounded by them.  Almost painfully so, in the sense that I feel like the oddity by being alone.  Most of my friends have been married  more than twenty years.  My parents celebrated their 59th anniversary today.

And my own marriage- now nearly over eleven years ago?  I was with my ex husband for 18 years.  We were considered the happiest married couple anyone knew.  Seriously.  We were ‘that couple’.  Yeah, we had problems, but we were a successfully married couple and a happy family.   People always asked me for relationship advice.  I was a contented wife with two kids, the new house on the cul-de sac and a wonderful husband.  We worked hard and saved hard together in those lean years – supporting each other in sickness and health….we were living the life of ‘real love’ .

One September day he came home and said he was leaving.  Someone else- there is more to this story that I won’t go into here, but suffice to say I never saw it coming.  Not in a million years.  He had been living a double life. And I was faced with a multitude of stunning, cascading disintegrations of everything I thought was real in my entire adult life.  I lost my best friend, his family, my home, financial security…but the worst part was the horrifying realization that everything I thought  about love and relationships and trust, was a LIE.  A giant, embarrassing, stunning lie.  And somehow in the midst of being thrust into the life of single mom of two, selling a house, finding a cheap home, finding work, I had to try to heal a heart so terribly broken that I didn’t know how I would get through the next ten minutes sometimes.
I got through those early days because (well because God carried me through those times…) but I had support too. Friends and family were there in the beginning, but eventually they expect you to ‘move on’.  It’s usually around the three month point.  ’Okay, she must be better now’.   No.  I wasn’t better.

And really?  I’m still not better.  I have often compared this cataclysmic event in my life to a vase being broken into hundreds of pieces.  You try to glue it back together, but it’s always comprised of thousands of cracks, never the same, and really doesn’t hold water anymore.

I waited eight years before getting into another relationship.  EIGHT YEARS. Most people would say that’s enough time.  It wasn’t.

Add through all of this that I’ve dealt with depression since I was nine years old- undiagnosed until my late 20s. A lot of you bring up suggestions for treatment of this.  Folks, I HAVE been trying.  For a long, long time.  In and out of therapy with six different doctors, and taken varieties of meds since 1995.  I have read books, tried hypnosis, prayer, exercise…. it all helps, but nothing cures.  The melancholy is just a part of my wiring now.  I’ve learned some techniques to manage it, but they just don’t work all of the time.  Like the cracks in my soul, it will always and forever be part of me, and few out there can understand it, and even fewer can accept it- still looking for someone who can.  So I usually keep it hidden. Except here on this blog, and to the few unfortunate people that I felt close enough to to ‘be myself’ around only to realize what a terrible mistake that really was.  And a mistake I will never make again.

The only reason I bring all of this up is that I want you to understand I appreciate what you all say about love.  I felt that way once upon a time.  In fact, I could have written any one of those emails of encouragement to a cynical lonely heart.   And I do admit that there is a small shining voice somewhere- that tiny voice of ‘hope’ that says to me ‘maybe one day again’.  But the chorus of Negavox fueled with the recent pain of losses is too loud to give the voice much impact for me.

As far as ‘loving myself’- this is a concept that has always given me trouble.  I try to accept myself, and be completely honest with the people in my life about my struggles and flaws and tell them that I am working on them.  I exercise, I see a counselor, I take my meds faithfully, but there are certain triggers that set off my crazy brain, and so far I have not found a man or even a friend  who can really handle that. (and I say- “try living with me 24/7… at least leaving me is an option for you- it’s not for me!”)  But nothing stings more than being rejected at those times when you’re at your worst, because you’re already in a vulnerable state of self-loathing.  Rejection is affirmation of everything the Negavox say.  ”You are the worst thing you think you can be, and NO ONE can or will tolerate you.”  This is something I try to override, but right now I admit – it’s damn hard.

But…

These comments here, the hugs from my children,  the sun in the morning,  the way I feel after running four miles,  these things help.  They give me the strength to keep going when sometimes I really don’t want to.   And again I say,

Thank you.

Well, I wanted to reply to the last three posts of comments, but I’m afraid time prohibits my doing that, so I will only be able to respond to the Cynicism blog.  So much wonderful support, I wish I could spend more time here….

———-Response to “Drama llama Gives Way to Cynicism”————–

Gingerbread:  As I mentioned above, therapy and meds do help some, but are not a cure all- at least for me.  Being in a relationship is definitely wonderful, until my flaws prove to be deal breakers.  The concept of unconditional love or true acceptance isn’t something I have found.  This again, is why  I am opting for a solo life.   Maybe one day, like Neil Gaimon, I too can heal, I just need to accept that may not happen right now and move ahead with what I know I have.  And that is me.

Jen:  Thanks for your response- if you have not read my blog above, please do because it explains my marriage  – I do know what it takes to have a long and successful relationship.  I just haven’t found someone who does as well.  At least for long term with me.  Believe me, we went through hard times and joyful times, rode that marriage ride, and did it well.  My friends envied our marriage.  It wasn’t perfect, but I was truly happy and truly in love.  But it ended up that it was a mirage.   It’s hard to make people understand the impact of this without details, but trust me- not many people hear my story and say, ‘eh, not such a big deal.’  I was dealt a pretty crappy hand, and considering the fact that I’m not an addict and have done a damn good job raising my kids, I’m doing okay.  Just not with love.  And that’ s what this was all about.

Francisco: I was sorry to hear about your breakup- and I’m sorry I haven’t responded to your earlier comments.  You are wise to recommend not getting involved with someone without healing- but at this point, for ME– I think I am now permanently missing the components necessary to be in a relationship.  Best of luck to you, Francisco!

Miamistax: Thank you for the sweet post, and the ‘existential’ date.  And to those of you who contributed to that- thank you so much.  I know that there are good men, and I never meant to imply that there aren’t, I just know that many of the ‘good ones’ (friends of mine, including those of you posting here ) are married – but more that my set of neuroses are too much for the men that are available.  And like the girl you once knew- I have trouble with the pills that smooth off my broken edges, and nothing really seems to fix those cracks in my broken soul.  But I thank you and all the Xyliacs for your show of the love of humanity.

Harena:   I am so happy you have found someone who accepts your ‘Darkness’. I thought I had too, more than once, but I didn’t.  And sometimes that’s tougher than just being alone, which is where I am with all of this now.  As far as responding to all of you- I feel it is the very least I can do, and am disappointed when I don’t, because I feel you deserve my thanks so much.

Julie:  Another friend that I’m sorry I have been so out of touch with!  Thank you so much for the words of confidence on my work.  What you talk about internalizing anger and pain- I did that for so long…. I was bullied all through school, sucked it all up and hid that pain…when I miscarried a child I went to work that afternoon…again, sucked it up because “it wasn’t as bad as my friend’s stillborn baby a few months before…it’s just ME after all…”  Yes, sucking that all up is where depression comes from- the knives are turned inward instead of outward.  But when you start to let yourself heal, which involves extracting these things, those knives come out inappropriately- meaning -other people can get hurt, without me ever intending or wanting to (think Edward Scissorhands…).  And it makes the healing very hard to do.  And youmake mistakes, feel more broken with each passing day.  As far as life without romantic relationships, I have been on my own before, and I can be again.  I know this.  Thank you for your support, Julie.

Christine:  Let me say to all you Xyliacs that Christine is one of my very truest friends out there- she is one that I turn to when I need that loving, but firm slap to the side of the head when I do or think dumb things.   She has a Negavox Pest Control Kit® and she’s not afraid to use it!!   But  Christine is the common sense voice of one who ‘gets’ me.  She speaks in my voice when I’m not me, if that makes sense. She can come in with a message that cuts through my down times and I can ‘get’ it, but she also will remind me again and again to not be hard on myself for the mistakes (maybe once in a while a rightly earned’I told you so’ too…) LOL!  Christine – your emails are ALWAYS a success.  Thank you so much for your friendship.  <3

Joe: LOL!  RAWR!  Well  see how you are!  Well, you were at least warned about the negativity, so you can’t complain!  Thank you so much for your post, it made me actually LOL, and that was wonderful.  And brass tacks is SO Claudius!   As a nod to you, the ‘bosslady’ moniker will be used in the story- only ‘boss’, but just so you know- that’s a nod to you.  And I love you guys as well.  I don’t know if I rock, but I definitely want to. <3 from Bosslady

Grace:  I have said that many times: Love is a choice.  Sometimes it’s hard work.  Sometimes it’s rocky. But a choice.  And a choice I *want* to make with someone.  I just haven’t’ found someone who wants to make that choice with me.  My dear friend Rodney and I had a coffee together yesterday and were talking about the things you say here about accepting God’s love and that everything else is kind of gravy after that.  That’s what I’m working on the most now.  thank you for your comments.  (and FWIW, some of the wisest people I know are half my age.  Chronological age doesn’t always make someone wise, and you have proven that here.)

Bill:  Thank you so much for the kind words also – that book was recently recommended by another friend- I best be reading it… It is humbling to hear the kind things you say, but I will graciously accept them, because they are a gift.  What you say about the word “love” and how our language is lacking in descriptiveness is a discussion I have had before with Canterrain.  It is a vague word, and not precise enough.  Maybe we Xyliacs should create some new words for different loves (like the Eskimos and their 40+ words for snow…)   Thank you for your kind words, and for posting.

Jayne:  “if you want a technique that’s helped me, i advise you do something small that makes you smile, and do it every day without fail, no matter how bad you feel.”  This is excellent advice.  I do try to do this- if it’s watching my goofy dog, or going for a run in the woods, or laughing with my kids, or something- I do have a moment – even if it’s just one a day- where i have reason to stop and be grateful. I just need to work at doing that more often.  Thank you so much for the words of kindness and support.  <3

Skewered Viewpoint:  You know I love when you glide into the room…I do understand accepting another person’s issues, but I can’t find anyone to accept mine.  And that’s the part that hurts.  And I admit it tends to verify what the Negavox have said all along.  Rising above that is not easy…. Thank you for your support, and kind words, and bless you and your wife for your commitment- THAT is love.

Jamming:  As I mentioned above, I know what relationship commitment is, and I see it all around. I know that it’s not going to always be ponies and rainbows, and that compromises have to be made and that two become one.  This is why when you go through a breakup after 18 years with that philosophy, you come away torn in half, part of you is lost forever and you have to try to heal over that place that is gone.  I spent eight years healing, but apparently I didn’t heal enough, because I still wasn’t enough for other people, and that was the point of my post last week: I may never be enough.  Thank you for your kind post.  Is it Iowa?  I doubt it…

Wayfarer: Thank you for the wonderfully kind post and the song, I do appreciate these things so much.   I am truly fortunate to have so many out there who care (or at least sure seem to care) so much.  Thank you.

Lex-Cat: Thank you, and no your words are not hollow. I do appreciate them. I hope you have happiness, and yes I do hope that I find it as well.  Sometimes, I think that I’ve found it, but I can’t seem to accept it, and push away at it until it breaks away again. This is one of the many flaws I have.  You really interpreted the drawing well- my intent was that she has her thumb over the stem just by the bloom, contemplating breaking it off.  You caught that.

Fish: I have often said that wisdom doesn’t always come with age, some people (myself included) can have several years behind them and still be clueless, while there are many old souls, some not even adults, who seem  to ‘get things’ far better and with more wisdom than people EVER possess.  You would fall in that latter category.  As I mentioned, I do have professional help, but the healing just has to happen when – or if – it will.  Sometimes, it never does.  I can only hope that I heal, but have to accept that I may not.  Thank you so much for the support.  It does mean so much to me.

Elegy: Thank you for the words of support – I hope things get better in your world.  Thanks for sharing the post as well.  Regarding your friend, my experience at this point is that ‘knights in shining armor’ are usually wearing armor to cover up something that they don’t want you to see or are protecting themselves from feeling or accepting love.  If they are never willing to remove it, it makes for an uncomfortable life…Thank you for posting!

Ani:  I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me. These are certainly good words, and words I have heard often “learn to love and accept yourself”  For eight years, I lived on my own raising two children after my divorce.  I can be alone.  I actually thrive in situations when I’m by myself- I’m an introverted writer/artist after all.  But at some point, it becomes clear that a life not shared with someone is a lonely way to be.  I didn’t think I wanted a relationship, it just found me, and I was very much in love.  This feeling was not mutual, so of course eventually it ended.  And such has been the way of relationships for me.  I plan on taking a good, long time off from any romantic involvement- maybe a permanent vacation.  My last love interest said to me “Please don’t date anyone.  For everyone’s sake!”  That’s how much he thought of me.  This person a week before was calling me the ‘best girlfriend’ ever.  It goes to show how miscommunication without patience and understanding or willingness to be accepting will disintegrate any kind of relationship.  Thank you for being willing to read whatever story ends up happening….

Nathaniel: thank you for your nice post, and these are all things I know are true.  And I know that I may have to accept the fact that another person’s love is not for me, that perhaps God will accept the mess that I am, but no one else will.

Aquila: My parents just celebrated their 59th wedding anniversary today.  I know what love is.  I see it all the time.  Many of my friends have been married for over 20 years.  I would give anything to find someone who feels that way about me, but I haven’t, and at this point doubt that I ever will.  Thank you for your kind post, and enjoying my art.  I hope you are well too!

Lance:  I pray every day. It gets me through.  Some days the pain just won’t go anywhere, but thank you for your kind wishes!  ^_^

Kimberley: I will keep writing, thank you for the words of confidence.  As far as ‘searching for a partner’- I won’t be doing any searching.  If someone comes along one day, I will consider it, but not without trepidation.  I’m tired of hurting others and being hurt myself.  Thank you for the kind words!

Jmtsq: “Just because your last relationship didn’t love (accept) you, that doesn’t make you unlovable (unacceptable) to others.”   It was not only my last relationship, but the last three (the ONLY three)  As well as several other people – friendships along the way. I have rarely found acceptance in the real world, and it has left me in a place of not being willing to really show myself to anyone, probably ever again. I have a face that I can put on, I did it for many years, but I wanted to be truthful and real with people I loved.  I found that to be a terrible mistake.   There are parts of myself that are simply to messed up to ever see the light of day; it’s a bit like keeping a part of yourself behind a curtain at all times.  I tried to step out of the curtain, but it was just too messed up.  I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone.  Thank you for your comments and congratulations on your relationship.

Xanthian: What you say is true, but dysfunctional relationships will only flourish if both parties are willing to heal together. I personally haven’t found someone willing to do that with me.  As far as treatment, I am on anti-depressants, and have been on them several years out of the last fifteen.  They are a band-aid, but not a cure.  I’m so sorry you went gone through so many hard times.   I know those well, and it’s a one day at a time life.  I’m also sorry to hear about the challenges you are faced with because of your wife’s tumor; bless you for being there with her- THAT is what love is- and your story gives me such hope.  You are a bright light in a world of people who throw things away when they get hard… I hope that your own challenges with the “Black Dog” are past you, especially with how much you face.  Thank you for sharing your story, and for your service.   {{{{Xanthian}}}}}

Canterrain:  Aren’t the Xyliacs amazing?  But we knew that, didn’t we?

Crisjin: You are kind in saying it, but truly – I don’t see myself ‘amazing for keeping going‘.   My life is SO much less challenging than so many other people’s, I am often ashamed for not focusing on my blessings more than I do, and it embarrasses me to say that despite that, I do have those days where I wish I could just throw in the towel.  It’s a terrible thing to admit that -when so many people are actually facing mortality and challenges I can’t even fathom- that I sometimes think, “God, I am SOOO tired, and my heart hurts SO BAD and nothing makes the pain stop, I just want  it to stop now.”   But that’s where faith comes in: I have to believe that the pain will be less another day, and I keep moving forward.  Tomorrow is always another day.   Thank you for your kind post!

Travelerr: The words from you and all of the Xyliacs DO provide comfort and strength, and lots of hope.  Hope that there are kind people who believe in love and who show love to the people in their lives despite whatever challenges they may face together.  I’m glad that my art brought you happiness, and I hope to be posting things soon that continue to do so.  Thank you for the kind words!

Nina: This is very true, that we can never be happy unless we see the worth in ourselves.  This is something that I am working to learn.  Aside from fear, it’s my greatest challenge, learning self-acceptance.  I don’t know if I will learn in this lifetime, but I try.  That said, I would never say call men that I have loved ‘worthless’ for not staying with me.  Yes, I admit they let me down, but they still have worth even though my baggage was too heavy for them to help me carry, let alone ‘unpack’.  (I really can’t expect any man out there to have that kind of resolve…   But each one of them has his merits, and goodness,  they just were not right for me, and I not for them.   Thank you for your kind and supporting words. ^_^

MasonTx: Yes, work is healing for me at this time, and I am moving forward.  I have many plans- have started a part time side job, and have several caricature bookings.  I have also been spending time with friends, am planning a reunion of my old band, and am still moving ahead with Xylia writing.  Some days are better than others, but they are for all of us.   Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!

Emu:  Thank you so much for posting, and also for supporting my moving ahead with whatever kind of Xylia story comes out of these things I’ve been through…if it’s not real to me you would all be able to tell anyway.   The words you speak about relationships are true and things I knew and lived in my marriage, until it became apparent that it was a cover for something else.

Thank you everyone for your kind and patient support throughout this, and many of my posts.  You are an amazing group of people and it should bring hope to anyone out there to see how kind you all are.  Thank you so much.  More soon….I promise….

Love, B

Again I must apologize for not responding to the many, many kind posts and shows of support and patience towards me.  Right now, I’m again in a place of emotional and mental recovery, and I will need to ask you to wait further for me to answer the things you have said to me. (my next blog will just be that- response to the comments)  Please know that I read and appreciate every thing each of you has posted, and they do inspire me and give me courage often as I consider whether or not to keep on with my endeavors.  Despite the long creative drought, I still have many of you who encourage me to believe that it will end, and I hang on to every word of encouragement as though it is rain on the horizon of a water starved landscape.  It will happen.  One day…

But today’s blog is a dark and emo rant.  Not appropriate really for one my age to write, but when it comes to dealings of broken-heartedness, I will make no apologies: for in that I possess no maturity.  Like all blog posts, if you don’t like negative prattle, pleeeease don’t read it-  remember that a blog is the spewings of someone’s journal and pointless if it’s not honest.

Barbland has encountered another blow -more drama shakes me up.  Ugh.   Without going into a lot of detail, I had been in another relationship, and it sadly, blew apart.  I will say that the fault of the actual breakup is primarily my own for many reasons, but in part because I started to believe things that I can’t really believe in… I’ve come to see that I’m just not emotionally able to handle the amount of havoc that romance unleashes upon my soul.

So many times I have been told things like:  “I will be there for you no matter what’   “When times are tough,  I have your back”  “I won’t let you down”   “I can handle your crazy”.   And the big one, the most fantastic of all, “I love you, Barb.  Just the way you are.”  The thing is, when men say this, they say it to the happy me, the productive me, the  shiny me… but they can’t and don’t feel that way once they REALLY get to know me and the darkness that is there too.  The extreme yin and yang of this crazy artist.  This in turn makes it that much harder each time for me to trust, open up to the idea of love, and let myself be vulnerable.  When I finally do let those walls down, accept that affection, and try to give it back, there is a lot of ugly damage that goes along with that, and if someone isn’t REALLY willing to take on the arduous and time consuming task of helping me clean those mangled rooms in my heart (or at least be patient and accept them while I try to do it myself… ) then it’s almost worse than if they had never been there at all.  More times than to be coincidence, men realize that I’m too much work, too messed up and ‘high maintenance’,  and throw up their hands and leave, wanting no part of me.  Yelling at me to stay away from them if I reach out. 

But you said you would always be there…

Each time I hesitantly traversed into those most dangerous waters of romance, I warned, “I’m broken, I’m damaged, not worthy’  Each time I was told I was worthy, but shown that I wasn’t, lobbing new grenades into the debris and destroying more of the mess that is me; ever harder to accept myself and the moments that I faltered and lashed out in frantic fearful ‘crazy wiring’ fits.   If I am so abhorrent that I am repeatedly shoved away like a disease, then I need to accept a life alone and not inflict my damage on anyone else again. 

So now the concept of romantic love – given or accepted – does not exist for me.  Not anymore.

I bring all of this up because of the unfortunate way in how this effects my work here.  Xylia has been a piece of highly idealistic, wishful, romantic love.  But now,  the premise that even in a fantasy world  eternal love could exist between a man and a woman seems completely naive and ridiculous, and  a notion I no longer wish to perpetuate in my tales.

Alas, I have become a cynic.

Part of me wants to take the story on a dark turn now – one that eliminates the folly of ‘forever love’.   Yet the kind part of me (which does still exist- a maternal sort of loving soul)  doesn’t want to burst the bubbles of the original followers because many of you came to this story and wait for it BECAUSE of its sweetness and idealism. You came BECAUSE it stood out as a beacon of something positive in a negative array of choices.   It was a tale of  what I longed for and couldn’t find, created my own story and found that a few kindred spirits that enjoyed it.

But I don’t know how to see the world that way anymore.  It’s  like when you find out Santa isn’t real: you can give it all you got to try and remember what it felt like to believe, but once you know it’s Dad under the beard, the magic is gone.

I’m preparing yet another rewrite to the relaunch to the story.  I have a feeling this is one that may stick.  But I must warn you, it will likely have a different feel than it has in the past.  Some may welcome this.  Some may not.  But I can only write the story that feels honest to me.  And a silly love story just feels like a lie now.

I will end this pessimistic post, and thus any future ramblings on this subject with a quote from Neil Gaiman.  It seems to come directly from that stomped out wine vat that contains the remnants of my heart.   Thank you ll for reading and being patient with me for so long.

~B
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

I hope you’ve been well.

I hesitate to apologize for being absent for so long, simply because I apologize so often it really has no meaning anymore.  Suffice to say, those of you who actually read this blog, and actually know me, my situation and why I’m often not updating also know why the story is still dark after all this time.

I’ve been trying to no avail to get myself motivated, but it’s growing dimmer and dimmer, and it’s because of the sad truth that my stories tend to be very personal, and when things in my life shake up too much, it’s impossible for me to face the characters and story lines because by reminding me of things and people I’ve lost, they actually add to my pain, rather than relieve it.  I know those of you who care will understand, and the rest of you fortunately have a vast pool of wonderful stories out there to choose from, that if this one is missing, it’s not going to end anyone’s world.

Today’s image is actually a concept of something different. Many of you suggested that I not worry about Xylia, and just draw something for myself. Anything. This drawing evolved out of a depression I found myself in this weekend. Things that resurfaced and hurt with a shocking sting. A story started to write itself as I drove in my car, and this image was the first inspired piece I’ve done in a long while. The characters do not have names, but there is a short story there waiting to be told. I would like to keep it in the universe of Xyliatales- it may take place in Berobos. Not sure- it’s in that organic vapor phase of something that is still very nebulous, but feels quite alive to me. And I haven’t had a story really grab me and give me a shove like that in a while.

I will admit that I’m also considering doing a project that I don’t have my heart wrapped up in so much.  Doing something for work’s sake instead of trying to write and tell stories from my soul.  Tom Racine says that I can’t do that- and maybe he’s right.  But the problem with writing that way is that it can hurt too much and my mind closes off to it in a way to protect itself, and writer and readers alike are all frustrated.

The last two months have blown by in the blink of an eye, and while I’ve been working, the income is not enough to sustain me. The reality is that I will be taking a job somewhere- possibly a retail job- something to bring in regular income. This makes creating my own art an even more distant possibility than it has been. I don’t know. Taking each day as it comes…

Thank you all for your kind words- I will be responding with personal comments to those I received last time as soon as I can. Please knwo that I appreciate your loyalty and support. You are all a blessing to me!

B

I’m sorry it’s been so long for an update.  Things have been a bit challenging the last few weeks.  I hope you don’t mind that I’m reprising an image of Xylia that I used in an earlier blog; it’s an apt image for right now.

First the good news: my son’s graduation party went swimmingly and a wonderful time was had by all!    I also came to grips with the reality of having a high school graduate as a child- (and moved through that as many of you promised I would!)  I didn’t even cry during the ceremony!  I think I got it all out of my system early. ^_^

I also have had AMAZING support from so many friends throughout the last few weeks, and I really am blessed.  I need to always remember how many wonderful people I have in my life and just use that against those Negavox…

Now the bad news – this monumental event was at times overshadowed by the breakup of my relationship.  Timing has never been a great thing around these parts, but it is what it is; one would expect me to be used to piles of fairly substantial and challenging circumstances hitting me all at once, but I don’t know if a person CAN get used that or realistically should be expected to.

So with that, the emotional mode I’ve been working through is the stages of grief, and that’s why I’ve been off the Xylia radar.  I’m just starting to come out of the fog where I can write something that isn’t too whiny…(still whiny but not as much as it could be!  This is a blog though!!)

In a way, if it a breakup HAD to happen, it was probably for the better it happened when it did:  while I had such a large event to plan and had to focus on that and not losing someone.   Therefore, I went through the early stages of  sorrow and heartbreak with something I HAD to do to keep me occupied.  And like usual, I stepped up and did it.  It ended up not being the Ultimate Party I had in my head, but nonetheless, a lot of folks said it was the best graduation party they ever attended.

But now… the kid is graduated, the party is over. the dust settles, and normal life resumes…a life as a solo woman nursing a broken heart.  Sigh.  Wish it wasn’t so, but I am just overly susceptible to hurt.  And I feel kind of wimpy right now.  (I really need to take up that boxing class I keep talking about taking and toughen up…;).

At least I took a chance.  And I don’t regret that at all.  Will I do that again?  That’s hard to say or see right now, but the wounds are too fresh to even be trying to project out that far into the future.  I only hope that this time I can use this time to heal rather than rebuild walls.  I’m crazy good at building fortresses around my heart and not so good at letting myself be vulnerable and at risk of more heartbreak.  Only time will tell how I will manage to come out of this.

So for now, I will keep on keeping on, using this time  to throw myself into my art.  Creatively, I’m still in that place of uncertainty and confusion. I have been mired in doubt about my projects for months now, and still no clarity.  I really hope to use this time of sadness to get that focus back and find my creative voice again.

I know you regular readers will be very understanding.  But I still feel bad about taking advantage of your patience.

I’m hoping my next blog will be a bit sunnier.   I’m not sure about broadcasts right now- you might check on Wednesdays and see if I’m about.  I will post Tweets if I decide to go on the air.

——————–Response to May 15, 2011———————

Nathaniel: Thank you for the kind words of wisdom!  Yes, my kid definitely pours himself into his music. I pray that he finds success with that; like art, it’s a challenging way to make a living, but still possible.

Wayfarer: Thank you for the congrats!  And yes, I do have a wonderful relationship with both of my kids.  They are great kids.  Thank you for your prayers, and yes the whole thing (well the graduation and party) went far better than I could have expected. I had several people tell me it was the best graduation party they ever attended.  Ha!

IamMac: Thank you for your patience in waiting for the return of my story. I’m sorry to take so long.  Thank you for the reminder on treasuring and remembering good times.  Both with my son and my lost relationship. This is good advice.  Sometimes, when you are raw with emotion, it’s hard to see that.

Tigershark: Yes, it did surprise me how much I was overcome with emotion over the whole thing. That was the kicker.  I really thought I would be cool with it, but going back and seeing the past made me feel nostalgic and sad!  Best of luck with you next year!!

Ladyfox7oaks: Thank you for the affirmation- I am loved, and with my recent breakup I saw how much support I have from friends in practice.  I am truly blessed.   Thank you too for your continued patience with me.

Grim: Thank you for the kind words- and yes the time goes by so quickly- it’s astonishing.  And yes, you did something right- congrats back at you!

Strange Ian: Thank you so much for the kind words.  And thank you for caring- I just blog and blog, and you all share your wisdom and kindness- as far as I see, I’m the big winner here.

USARMYRETIRED: I am trying to live in the moment the best I can.  It’s always good advice, but moreso when one’s heart is aching. One step at a time.  Five minutes becomes ten, an hour becomes two, and a day becomes three, and eventually life goes on.  But right now I’m still at the hour stage.  Thank you for saying that I have strength.  At times like these I do know that I have wonderful friends.  That much I can be certain of. So much love and support…  Thank you for the kind words.

Julie: Yes, I am adjusting well to my son’s milestone and we are all doing well. He just got a full time job at a guitar store he has always wanted to work, and did a phenomenal job at his first professional gig- headlining and singing and playing.  The tip jar was overflowing.  Life is good for that boy. And I am happy there. ^_^

Kitten: Each of the stages brings it’s own maternal pain.  It’s a bittersweet thing: you are so proud of the development, but then nostalgia kicks in and you remember that soft baby sleeping on your chest and it is natural to feel a pang of yearning for that past.  But then you move on.  ^_^

Skewered Viewpoint: I agree with you; I don’t want my children to see me wallow in grief for the past, I cheer their accomplishments and push for that independence.  I make them take on consequences of actions, pay their own way and take care of things.  I WANT them to be responsible adults.  They both (and my son’s girlfriend who has been part of our family for nearly four years) make me proud in how they stand up for others,  reject drugs and alcohol, and have outstanding work ethics.  They all have their faults of course, but the three of them make me very proud.  I know that I did play a part in it, but I don’t take responsibility.

Travelerr: You, like so many people are too kind. I think you all see me as somehow tougher or stronger than I am.  I stumble and weep and wander about in confusion, flying by the seat of my pants way too much.  That things work out at all, is only because I am blessed.  I do try to do the right thing, but often don’t succeed.  But that’s all any of us can do. Thank you for the kind comments- it’s good to see you hear again.

Harena: Yeah, the military has it’s own level of maternal stress and grief.   That’s not something I’m dealing with- kudos to YOU for your strength going through that, and blessings to your son for his service to our country.  Thank you as always for the kind comments and support!

FrEEK: I don’t find it weird, because I am the same way. I would guess that you have an idealist personality type. And yes, the ‘curse’ of a fertile imagination is the ability to put real life into that stew pot and imagine up all sorts of things that can be stressful.  I completely understand being that way.   I am adjusting to the ‘graduate thing’, and I will adjust to the ‘single woman’ thing, and then the ‘only one child at home thing’ that I will be facing in the fall.  It’s just a part of life, the ebb and flow.

Amanda T: No, I wouldn’t do that to him.  He needs to be an adult.  Yes, I hope to hear from him of course, but I want him to stand on his own.  You know, this year as I was preparing for graduation, a mother robin built a nest in my tree in front of my home.  She had four babies, and she was a good mom. Every time I would work on my yard- pulling the weeds or mowing- if I got to close to the tree she would let me know.  One day, the day before the graduation ceremony, one of the babes flew onto my deck and looked at me.  It was very symbolic to me.

Henrike: Yes, i will always be Mom, I never meant to imply otherwise.  I just mean that this is one of those life stages where it’s a marker, and you stand and look at where you came from and you feel shocked that it went so fast.   Thank you for the kind post!

Graceofbass: Very well put:  “I’ve decided being a parent is about sacrifice, but the best kind.” If you’re doing it right.

Animus: Aw, I’m sorry to make you cry, but yeah, it was an emotional time.  Thank you for reading.

Spas: Thank you so much for the song. Very sad, but wonderfully apt.  Thank you.  I only wish I had that person to grow old with the song talks about.  That’s the wrinkle that made this process much harder for me…I know it often isn’t, but parenting is usually best done as a two person job…

Susan K: No, you didn’t read it right that I believe my son is a ‘full fledged member of adulthood‘.  Honestly, I don’t really know anyone of any age that is a ‘full-fledged’ adult- not even really sure what that means- adulthood is a journey and lifelong learning process. Hell, I know thirty and forty year olds that are less ‘adult’ than my son… That said,  in the US, now that he’s 18, he’s legally an adult:  meaning  he can go to war, vote, and be convicted of a crime. Therefore, he must be responsible for himself.  I think too many parents in this day and age do not prepare their children for that reality and instead let them mooch and live off of them as long as they like, cleaning up messes and so forth.
My last blog was simply to point out the poignancy of the passing of time marked by a milestone.  At no point did I intend suggest that I will not be there for him if he needs me for the rest of my life.  Motherhood is a lifetime gig, not an 18 year stint.  Well, I see it that way anyway…

Okay everyone- thank you so much for the kind responses last time- I hope to be back on track with regular blog updates on Mondays and Thursdays….

Thank you to all who read my post and for the support in my challenging times as always.

<3 B