Another post- I’m trying to get one up twice a week. ^_^
Today’s art image is a page from a story that just never happened, that a young friend of mine wrote- and I’m hoping we can pick up with again. Xylia and little Louise from Nigel’s Opus. I hope you like it.
——————-Barblog———————-
Urgh…
After a few days of feeling pretty dang good, my confidence took another of its nosedives and I got filled up with a lot of fear again. I hate that. I can push against it all I want, but it just seems to grab a hold with more ferocity. I can try to ignore it, but Fear will not be ignored. It will throw things at the side of my head and kick me in the stomach, until I quietly accept defeat until that bully decides to leave.
The beginning of Autumn is always a tough time of year for me, I admit that. I really didn’t think it would still be, but nothing in my life is really feeling very stable or even that hopeful right now, so the memories of that past life that I had, and how I can’t find my way back to that place that I thought was real and that I loved so much are haunting me pretty sharply. It’s times like this when I feel completely alone on a crowded planet, and that I never really have and never will fit in anywhere.
Just have to keep moving through it. One step at a time.
I continue to stumble with my fitness, too and that’s adding to my stress. I’m eating badly, but still making it into the gym so at least there’s that. But the sense of control over my physical well being is faltering. Nothing seems to be in any kind of order or stability at the moment
This too shall pass. <——— I will repeat this ad nauseam, though doubting its validity.
————–Responses to August 29, 2010————-
Lora: Wow, it’s great to see you here! Amazing how many ‘masterminds’ are posting on this site. It’s supposed to be a really rare personality type!
Tinkerwrks: You know, my introvert score was one from the most you could get. I’m completely introverted, so I understand!
Ladyfox7oaks: thank you for the kind words about Deek, sadly he has been getting sick again this week, I hope we can head it off again. Poor guy. And I’m still not really on that wagon again, still chasing after it though.
Francisco: You are right, the business trip was both lucrative and enjoyable and I need to look at it that way. So you are an extrovert! Very cool- there are a lot of introverts here in the Xyliacs, so that’s good to see.
Harena- yep, you have a personality I can definitely understand! ^_^
Octodude: Actually ‘Tinkerhell’ is what it actually says- maybe you misread it- that font was hard to read. And yes, I think you may know who that is in the background too. >:-) I don’t know about my fella thinking he is blessed- if he does, he is a bit misguided. I don’t’ see myself as any kind of blessing. Yes, I do have a very fine hat. ^_^
Christine: Yes, it’s hard to get back to eating right when you fall off the wago- good luck with the running- I try to go t3 miles on the treadmill when I run, but when I miss a couple days it takes me a day or so to get back to that. Thank you for the kind words about dark times. I kind of need that right now.
Nathaniel: Thank you for the kind words about my blog, and for saying that I’m interesting. I don’t see that, but thank you just the same! I have decided to fight the seatbelt ticket. GO ME. I fight authority authority always wins….
Nancy: Yay- another guardian! Thank you for continuing to stop by and read!
CaliDave: Things were getting better and now have hit a snag- hopefully a little one. You know- I did the collaboration thing once, and decided not to do that again. I have trust issues like you wouldn’t believe.
DormantDrake: Very cool- you are also a Rational. We have had SO many! And that is such a rare personality, I think it’s very fascinating! Thank you for writing, and the kind words for Deek. I hope he continues to get better!
Caitydid: LOL- Yes, – Libros has got two horns, but I still think of him as a unicorn anyway. He hates that. 
Good luck with your 5K training! You will have to keep us up to date on your progress!! As far as the personality, the thing to remember about ‘introversion’ on that scale is not so much how outgoing you are, but where you draw your ‘energy’ when you need to power up- if you prefer to be alone at that time, you are introverted, if you gain energy from being around others, you are an extrovert.
Julie: Ah yes, the back button- and you go back to discover that you are yet ANOTHER rare type- the Rational Mastermind. That is so cool. ^_^
Graceof bass: Yes, I was much happier and I have backslid, but I hope to get back to happy again. And a provider is very good! Thank you for sharing your results.
Strange Ian: That guy? Is that a real guy? Uh….. uh…..well as we say in the US- ‘I’m taking the fifth on that.’ >:-)
Thank you all for coming back and reading my ramblings, and sharing your thoughts and comments. It really means a lot to me.
Hugs,
B
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:46 pm
I was surprised to take the test and get Counselor as my type. Pardon the Trekkie reference, but I DO NOT feel like a Deana Troi…
I love this image! I have a weak spot for floppy hats and errant strands of otherwise perfectly styled hair. And wings…
Xylia’s smile is so warm and so proud looking – I can imagine the connection between she and Louise is just wonderful. The shadow is also a very nice touch.
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:25 pm
“…my confidence took another of its nosedives…”
Wait… is this the same Barb that called me in near-homicidal rage, frustrated with the old Mac (now the kids Mac) – AND THEN FIXED IT HERSELF?! Without my help? Hello?
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:29 pm
I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through… I know the feeling of not wanting to do something bad, doing it anyway, and feeling defeated. It’s part of being human. I’m really sorry, though, I know how tough it is.
September 2nd, 2010 at 4:26 pm
I love, love, love the shadow in the last panel. Pure awesomeness. ^_^
I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling… Please know that you are not alone. I know how much it can feel that way, but I promise you that you aren’t!
This too *will* pass, B. Remember to count your blessings – seriously – and take time to fill your mind with all of the things in your life that you are grateful for, little and big. Fill your mind and your heart with those good things, and sometimes they can help to crowd out the Negavox.
Keep your chin up, and remember that we are here for you, as best we can be!
(And not misguided, Batgirl. Blessed. ^_^)
September 2nd, 2010 at 5:19 pm
I *love* Xylia’s hat there. Love, love, love! Sometimes I wish hats would come back in. I’m sorry that you are having a rough time. One book that’s helped me is Mindset by Carol Dweck. I read that book and kept thinking, this book is about me!
September 3rd, 2010 at 3:30 am
Beautiful images. Love the shadows of realities unseen.
On all else…
Just *hugs.*
September 3rd, 2010 at 4:18 am
Hey Barb,
Looking forward to the return of Xylia. I found this talk by Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat Pray Love – I’ve never read it) quite thought provoking on nuturing creativity. http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html
A
September 3rd, 2010 at 4:43 am
Hey you got my email, if ever. Hope sometimes hides and you got to go find the little b_stard. Quite a bit of stress is about fear, live bravely when you can. These are not things that I only tell you, they are the things which I need to remind myself of daily. For today I will stop trying to fix you, but you know that there are people (like me). We who do care, not only for your work, but about your well being.
September 3rd, 2010 at 9:24 am
(Glides out of the shadowed corner)
Again, the second panel of Xylia is amazing. The expression, and how demure she appears. The detail in Louise’s ringlets …what can I say about them. No words suffice.
(Glides back into the shadowed corner)
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I like being a Mastermind I’ve decided. It makes me feel like I should be cackling while drumming my fingertips against each other à la Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons.
Sorry to hear you took another nose dive. Here’s a question for you. Why do we take nose dives? Why can’t we swan dive into our icky feelings? At least then we’d know we got there with grace, and that would be something to hold onto.
September 3rd, 2010 at 7:43 pm
I’ve been reading for ages, but haven’t commented until now (I am an introvert as well, but I realize you can’t hear my thoughts ^ _ ~ ). I also struggle with depression, and I know giving advice and kind words is easier to say than it is to accept. When you consider the fact that not even 1% of online readers will comment to something, then I think you’ll see you have a lot of fans!
I know in the dark moments, that doesn’t matter. But something I realized years ago might help: You are you. There is always someone doing better than you, and there is always someone doing worse than you. That is true for all of us, so it is best for us to live life as we are because we are who we are meant to be.
I have also doubted “this too shall pass”, especially because I had it quoted at me so often. I just had this come into my head as I read your blog though:
“This too shall pass – it’s true. Things will change and move on.
The reason you doubt is we never realize it’s happened;
because by the time we would, it’s gone.”
Not a very good poem, I admit XD We each have our talents, even if we think badly of them or think they’re silly. Your art is simply amazing. Maybe you look at it and only see the slightly-in-the-wrong-spot lines, or the shading that could be done slightly better – we look at it with jaws agape and an ardent desire to be able to draw even HALF as well as that! Your attention to detail, your unique style, the care and love with which you obviously handle your characters… that’s what has drawn us in. Or, me at least. ^ _ ^; If you need to take a break, that’s fine. If you need to rewrite/redraw some parts to better suit where you’d like the plot to go, that’s fine. It’s your work, your creation, your wonderful gift – you can shape it how you like. Just please don’t lock it away, or put that light out. It makes a part of the world so much brighter for so many people.
There are people above and below you. In a way, we are all in the middle of our own life-spheres. I’m just happy to have your beautiful artwork to keep me company there, like small, warm candle flickering nearby to keep the darkness at bay.
September 3rd, 2010 at 7:59 pm
P.S. – went back and took that personality quiz, and apparently I am INFJ, which Idealist Counselor. Less than one percent of the population? Lol. They should rename the Idealist group to the Xyliac group XD
September 3rd, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Hi there! It may be Autumn there, but here it is a lovely Spring day. I am listening to the wind in the trees, parrots and finches chirupping in the flowers and my kids playing. Wishing you well!
September 4th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
I wonder what it is about those sepia tones that I find so appealing… Was I maybe a photographer in my former life, a hundred years ago? Also, I wish there was a reason to wear hats like that these days. One that doesn’t involve being royalty.
Also 2: Taking the fifth, huh? I guess that answers my question…
Also 3: It’s really cool that you take the time to respond to every single comment! I’m sure it must take a lot of time for you…
September 5th, 2010 at 8:30 am
Just remember that there are a lot of people here who care about you. You are not alone.
I’ll give you a fuller answer in e-mail.
September 5th, 2010 at 9:46 am
I’m not sure if you read Wapsi Square but, on not fitting in, you might find these amusing:
http://wapsisquare.com/comic/abitelusive/
http://wapsisquare.com/comic/restoftheworld/
http://wapsisquare.com/comic/thingslikethat/
September 5th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
Dear Barb – I hope that it shall pass, and even if it does come back, which it probably will, you’ll be able to get over it, and each time it will become better, and ‘bid a sweet fairwell to pain’. (Got that from ‘What Katy Did.’ It works…sometimes.)
But you’re able to create things of such beauty, even if you’re feeling sad, and that is a triumph, and you have friends there for you, and that is another.
Xylia’s wings look just how I imagined them.
Good luck, and hugs xx
September 6th, 2010 at 8:16 am
The shadow in the last panel is a brilliant and subtle touch! Sorry to hear Deeks is not feeling well again, many good thoughts to him! And I wish I could give you more of a boost to catch that blasted wagon… Many hugs, instead?
September 6th, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Ah its been a while since we’ve talked. Admittedly I usually send an email the what one two times I’ve sent words of encouragement? (And typos let us not forget my typos.) I can relate to the struggles of fitness. I’ll be honest your battle goes far better than my own. Psh you try living near Kansas City BBQ.
But I’ll point this out to you as I ever do, that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You might not eat as healthy as you like but you still go and workout. That right there says it. You still do. Faltering on things second guessing you miss that you are still doing the important things.
As for fear, well at least you manage to get your stuff out there. Mine shall likely languish in the corners of my mind unseen or known for the most part. Truth is you have alot of guts and grit. What you have now are self doubts. But when you fall and struggle I see a rich group of diverse people who came together thanks from your story. Thats no small task. So many people, so many readers who support someone and hope to hear more of the fable she weaves. Another thing to take into account is that the Internet and life in general will have its fair share of people saying your work isn’t good enough. I’ve often found these critics freely offer their own views on how things should be, and are completely unable to actually do that work themselves. Their just a form of better vocalized trolls.
Now as for not fitting in I’m astounded. You’ve a rich group of people who all care for you and wish to be your friends. Sure they may not have been born into a family, but they became one anyway. And its a family you are part of. Heh I can pretty much promise you I did NOT end up where I thought I would. ANd can’t believe how I ended up as I have. But, I try and not regret it. For every twist and turn life gives us it allows something new to happen. Sheesh! I’m rambling now.
Okay brief sum up, we’re here for you. We care about you. And we all hope you find yourself in better days. Till then expect us all tokeep working at you till that smile never fades.
You’re elusive friend signing off for now.
P.S. Feel free to email me anytime. I’m always up for a good chat.