Today’s blog is really going to just be a thank you and response to all of you who left such kind and encouraging comments on my last blog post. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of kindness that is out there; that any of you would take the time to write in the first place is humbling, but the level of thoughtfulness of the comments is extraordinary.
One thing I really want to mention is that my issues have nothing to do with the review I got several months ago- I think some of you are misled that my problems stem from that. I’m sorry that I made it seem that way. The review was not pleasant, and yeah, iit did add to my anxiety about putting my work (which I already felt was horribly flawed) out for public display, but it was in no way the cause of my depression or ultimately any of my stuff- my insecurity is my own and not anyone else’s fault. I just wanted to be really clear about that. Most of the things I have going on in my world are personal, and I haven’t shared them here. But please don’t blame the review or the reviewer. I still stand by my belief that he has a right to say what he wishes on the web, just as I do.
Thank you all for helping me feel less alone in this lonely and stressful time, and I really can’t thank you enough…
——Response——–
Sparks: thank you again for the offer to migrate data, and I really appreciate your help and information on that. And of course the Corgi pics. Wow. Corgis are the magic tonic for instant uplift. And not just a Corgi, but a fluffy. Bonus points. <3
Gingerbread: Thank you so much for your kind post and for sharing your information with me- sorry that my email is no longer available on the site- I will have Kez repost it at the bottom of the page. I have ‘done’ Zoloft in large doses, but it felt like my eyes would fall out. I don’t take anything anymore- I just get regular cardio, and that seems to work as well as anything. The book you suggest is one that I own, and I should read again! Thank you so much for sharing and letting me know that I’m not the only one.
Tinkerwrks: Thank you so much for the support as always. I DO want to work on Xylia, and I am doing a little each day. I have about thirty sketches now, and I am trying to narrow down the approach I want to take when I start up again. that’s the hard part.
Miamistax: LOL. Yes, like Samianne, I like watching guys shave. I actually shaved my boyfriend’s beard once- I lost a bet about pandas…don’t ask. ^_^ It was quite scary being that close to his throat with that sharp blade- but there’s something sort of sexy intimate and vulnerable about the act of shaving too. I guess I’m not entirely weird, though- right Sami? Really this image was symbolic of Claude removing the beard he wore in Digonia…
Justine: Thank you so much for the kind words about my work and the story. Also for your suggestions on creativity. I do that too- but sometimes it gets me more bungled up. I have so many Xylia plots spinning in my head right now it’s kind of crazy. ^_^ Thank you for sharing your ideas with me and everyone!
Francisco: Thank you so much once again for your loyal support and kind words. And congrats on having your story posted at CotC! I you haven’t already, you all can read Francisco’s story here.
Omegon- thank you for the kind words and for letting me know about the RSS. I wasn’t aware of that!
USArmyretired- First off, if you are a veteran (as your name implies) thank you for your service to our country. And thank you too for the kind words about my art. It really means so much to me that you and so many others take the time to comment.
Robert- I’m sorry if my struggles have made you even more apprehensive about sharing your work. Normally I’m someone that encourages all creative people to get out there and share their work, but I suppose I should practice what I preach. I hope you will consider getting out there though- maybe starting smaller (like I did) on Drunk Duck and gradually building a following. Thank you for posting.
Julie- LOL! Thank you for going after those Negavox- unfortunately we all have to blow up or shut down our own nasty inner demons. But I appreciate you wanting to help. ^_^
Samianne- hee…I wondered if anyone would like the shaving pic. I have plenty more sketches I will be posting- I’m actually feeling very good about the blog and all the support you have all given me. It’s feeling like a safe place to hang out and get away again….
David- Thank you for sharing that post- there were a lot of excellent bits of wisdom there. I love to get as much knowledge as I can- the tricky part is putting it into practice when Im knocked down. Thank you for writing.
TK- First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to comment- and you are ‘good at commenting’, despite what you think. Thank you for enjoying Xyliatales and finding it unique. Just so you know, I am trying to take care of myself- stumbling about as I may be, and Xylia is starting to feel like a place where I can go to be happy again. I had other things in my life that were bringing happiness, but due to my own failings, some of those are drifting away and others have become strained, and I feel the desire to turn to my art again for comfort. Thank you for the support.
Spas- most of the issues I’m dealing with are really outside the scope of Xyliatales. But the problem came when this project was a refuge for me and it turned into another stresspool. That is slowly changing. For me, these stories are very personal- I don’t know how many other webcomic authors feel that way, but there is a danger in putting so much of yourself in your work, as I have come to see. There is also a danger in ever comparing yourself and what you do or how you work or feel to others, and I choose not to do that. I am moving forward in my life- there is no other direction to go- but it is slow moving.
Christine: Your ‘glass shell’ analogy is such a perfect metaphor for me too. You feel that you can shatter and disintegrate, but at the same time you have sharp edges that can cut people around you. It’s not a successful way to exist. I’m so happy that you moved through that time relatively quickly, and thank you for sharing your challenges with everyone here. I have often said that the only way to eliminate a stigma is to be open, but also I have tried to live as honestly as I could the last several years…although the results have often been unfortunate. I’m trying to reinvent myself yet again, but this too is difficult, and when I’m really down, it’s next to impossible. Thank you, Christine.
MCat - As always, thank you for your support and comments. They do more than you can know.
Kyastar- thank you again for letting me know that you can be patient with me. It really means a lot, and I hope you all know I don’t take it for granted.
Grim- Excellent advice, and I do agree that no artist of any kind ever feel complete confidence, and I have no problems with feeling unsure and humble and never satisfied from my work. My issues are far deeper than that. Profound fear grips me pretty bad, and I just need to wrestle away from it. Thank you for your post.
Maggie- Again, I want to be sure that you understand that my depression is not because of the review- it is something that I have dealt with for a very, very long time. Things like that are disappointing and add to my struggle, but are by no means the cause. Thank you so much for your kind words about my work, and for being patient with me, like so many here.
Slamlander - thank you for your post and for your comments about critics. You are absolutely right about ‘writing as you go’. Not a wise move. It was something I did to keep my interest level up in the project, but in the end has added to the difficulty and stress of working on it. NOT recommended! Again with the review- that is only one small piece of the puzzle that makes up my stress ball right now- and a very small one at that. I really don’t want anyone blaming or flaming the guy who wrote the review- or even bringing it up- my point was only that it set off a chain reaction of feelings and doubts I already had about Xyliatales, which ended up sending me into retreat for a while. Thank you again, Slamlander for your comments and sharing your blog! And yes, I hope I can recapture the muse that helps me create once again.
Wayfarer- first of all, no I never tire of hearing the kind advice from the Xyliacs- new angles and approaches that you have all tried. Every one of them is given in kindness with a purpose of reaching out and trying to help, and that means so much to me. Especially now. Im glad that you are progressing with your creative endeavors, and I have thought about doing some side project for a time, but worried that I would get caught up in it and have trouble returning to Xyliatales. It’s better right now I think for me to try to get Xylia back on my front burners. Thank you Wayfarer for your kindness as always.
Thank you all for being so amazingly supportive- after all this time. I know that some would say that this is ‘just an internet community’ but I also know that your comments are heartfelt and well thought out, and I really appreciate that kind of support and caring right now. Thank you all so much.
Love, B
August 21st, 2010 at 4:44 pm
I just wanted to stop by and tell you how incredibly cool it is that even though you’re clearly dealing with a whole lot, you ALWAYS take the time to respond to individual people who comment on your blogs. It really does make this site seem more like a community, and less like a… I don’t know, “You the writer, us the readers, and never ‘twixt shall the two otherwise meet” kind of thing, like I think a lot of webcomics are. It doesn’t make me love the other comics I read less, cause I’m sure that it’s just not everyone’s thing, but I do think it is really neat that you do that. Instead of just enjoying the comic, we all get to enjoy that we actually get to interract with the writer/artist! Good luck with everything you’re dealing with!
August 22nd, 2010 at 12:17 am
Barb, I just wish you saw yourself as clearly as you see all of us. You tell us how amazing we are, but you can’t see how truly amazing you are as well! I don’t want to upset you, but I have to say, I miss being able to look at your pretty artwork and follow this wonderful story. You have no idea how wonderful this whole thing is to me. Seriously, out of ALL of the comics I read, yours really was my favorite. Your art is by far the best, and the story was compelling. I loved that the whole point of the story was always about finding Xylia, and no matter what else went on in the story you knew that Claude was working on that. It’s makes me pretty sad that we may never know if or how Claude finds her. I felt like we were getting so close too!
I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, but my hope is that you will see how much a lot of us really care about this comic. I know you care a lot (maybe too much) about it too, but you also can’t see it as clearly as we can. You see it through the harsh eyes of a creator, and we see it for the pure joy it brought us every update. If there is any way you could try to bring that back to us, I can’t tell you how much we would truly appreciate it. We are here for you, to support you every step of the way.
August 22nd, 2010 at 3:45 am
I’m a new reader to Xylia and the art and story are both amazing!!! You should not feel as though your art is flawed in any way. Believe me, I can understand feeling insecurity and in regards to my own artwork, I’m not comfortable with it at all!! But anywho I just thought that I should tell you that I like your story, your work, and that I look forward to reading your next page update when you are ready!!
August 22nd, 2010 at 1:04 pm
B- I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through so much distress, hardship, and loneliness . Many of us know, at least in some way, to some degree, how it feels to go through trials like these. Like so many others here, I am here for you, as best I can be! You have my support and my encouragement; I have faith that you can win through this, and come out the other side stronger and more confident, as an artist, and as a person in general.
I’d like to echo Athena’s first comment – you truly don’t see yourself as clearly as you see us, and as clearly as we see you. You truly are amazing, not just as an artist, but in all the myriad things you juggle – your family, your work, your boyfriend (that lucky devil), your music – and the list goes on. I know that all you can see are your shortcomings, but the rest of us don’t see that – we’re looking for your cape. ‘Cause only a Superwoman could do all that you do, and create the art and the stories that you have – and will yet – and still be so humble, and so accesssible and genuine as a person.
I know, I know, you are probably disagreeing with me right now. But I can’t hear that over the sound of how awesome you are. ^_^
Regarding fear and courage… Courage is not the absence of fear. It is doing what needs to be done, in the face of fear, in spite of it. You are one of the most courageous people I know – and I think many here would agree.
Oh, and you look *REALLY* cute in your picture, by the way. ^_^
August 22nd, 2010 at 1:44 pm
(Glides out of the shadowed corner)
It’s very hard to see oneself as others see us. My wife has had numerous complimentary comments from other people about the sort of person she has married, but I can’t see what is so special about me. It is confusing to me at times when people ask how I can be so ‘untypical’ a person I am reputed to be. After all, I’m just being myself, and I can’t imagine how to do anything or be anything other than that. I believe that is true for most of us. We have lived inside ourselves so closely, it’s hard to see how extraordinary we are.
You have said many times (and I’ve seen it here myself) that Xyliacs are the most amazing support network. And you have reciprocated that care and understanding to us as well. At the end of the day, all that matters is that one has upheld their personal code as best as they could. There will be regrets, doubts, worries, and failings, but there will also be happiness, certainties, reassurances, and successes.
Be well, and be true to your code.
(Glides back into the shadowed corner)
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:32 am
My only comment is on the picture today. It is heartbreaking… but gorgeously so. Very stirring, very emotive.
…I find that’s all I have to say. Beautifully done.
August 23rd, 2010 at 5:36 am
Words are not enough to express my feelings about your picture. I borrowed it to post an image to you at your forum. I hope that’s okay.
August 23rd, 2010 at 6:13 am
Thank you for everything you’ve done for us:
You wrote Xylia, took the time to get to know us and you still think of us whatever’s happening in your life.
August 23rd, 2010 at 1:06 pm
I know you’re the only one who can take out your Negavox.
Can’t blame me for wanting to help in a very James Bond inspired session of sneaking around followed by incredible explosives. (I would so be James Bond for Halloween if I could get away with it…darn this being born a woman thing! All of my heros are dudes!)
Anyhow, best of luck at taking on those pesky demons your own way. You know…I’m also a pretty loyal follower of the Wapsi Square comic. If you haven’t read it, you probably should. They way Paul depicts inner demons and how his characters handle them is quite fascinating (and idea creating).
August 23rd, 2010 at 1:21 pm
You are altogether too kind Barb. However, I have seen such bogus reviewers do damage to more growing talents than you can believe and all for their own personal gain. He may not have been the main culprit but his shove in that direction didn’t help you or anyone else. To El Santo, you were simply another victim and that is mainly what I object to. Like a company’s Human Resources department, a public “reviewer” is not your friend. They are instead, the enemy. It is amazing how many people do not understand either point. Once you understand that, whatever they say will not have near as much impact.
Regarding muses: my own seems to have flown the coup lately. She must have been driven off by my new Java Jboss server. However, when she is around, she won’t let me think of anything else but the current story for months at a time. That’s a good thing too. Otherwise my deadlines would be toast, burnt toast. I wish you a muse at least as dedicated.
August 23rd, 2010 at 10:53 pm
*HUG*
That is all.
<3
August 24th, 2010 at 12:20 am
Hang in there, Barb. Depression is a ruthless, unrelenting enemy and the war is lifelong. Just when you think you’ve defeated it once and for all, it comes roaring back. I know because I’ve fought that fight since my mid-teens and am now in my mid-40s. Stress is wonderful at giving it a foothold. It takes a great deal of courage to face your demons, force them to back down, and keep doing it again and again. It takes a great deal of stubbornness to choose life and absolutely refuse to give up and let the darkness win. I believe you have both courage and stubbornness in spades. The real victory is to use that courage and stubbornness to carve out a good life in spite of the darkness. I think you’ve done that and that makes you amazing. It’s not something everyone can do. And one thing I’ve learned out of my own successful struggles is that the struggle itself can make you stronger and grow your faith more than you ever thought possible. So keep fighting the good fight. I loved your sketch. It’s a powerful image of someone facing the darkness.
August 24th, 2010 at 6:52 am
Many hugs, and I just want you to know I find that image heartbreaking, because I want to give HER a hug too, and I can’t.
August 24th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Your welcome (I never really know what to say when someone thanks me for serving in the military). I look forward to when you get back on the ol’ proverbial horse and start the comic back up. As you stated earlier, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and even tho I did not read the review in question, I have to wonder where the reviewer was coming from and what kind of comments were made to cause this kind of backlash. I’m no artist, and I have a very eclectic selection of web comics that I peruse daily and yours was, is, and will be one of them again unless you stop putting them out there for us to enjoy.
As I read posts by others of your fan base, I realize that the well from which you draw your inspiration for this comic is the same well that causes you so much personal anquish. I hope and pray that you will be able to convert your art into a catharsis for yourself and continue to move forward in both your personal and professional lives.
God Bless.
Dave
August 25th, 2010 at 4:44 am
If you love your Corgis antics, check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD3yVwC0fjg
It’s sparky, kibble dancing.
August 25th, 2010 at 8:40 am
I’ve never left a comment before, but I feel like I ought to share how much I admire you. You’re fighting your demons and you haven’t given up.
In the grand scheme of things I’m still young, but every few years I struggle with depression as well, and I have since I was barely a teenager. (I’ve never quite understood how people can characterize it as “battling” depression–there was no ferocity in my “battles,” only tenacity and an innate bullheadedness that left me hanging on by the skin of my teeth.) And I want you to know that after you beat it the first time–no matter whether it comes back or not–acknowledging your inner strength and self-worth is one of the most empowering moments life can offer. Because when it comes back, you can use that initial victory to your advantage. If you beat it once, you’re strong enough to do it again. And again, and again, if you have to.
Even the daily struggle can be a source of pride, simply because you haven’t let it win. You are stronger than you realize, and even if it has managed to plug up your creativity for the time being, the fact that you’re still participating in your life means you haven’t given up and it hasn’t won.
You’re an amazing artist with an impressive gift for storytelling. When you’re ready to continue telling your fairy tale, you’ll have dozens of people (at least!) who will be here to cheer your achievement.
<3
P.S.: Your sketches are beautiful and I adore them.
August 25th, 2010 at 11:49 pm
Barb… that is an amazingly gorgeous and heartbreaking picture up there. You are an amazing artist, and story teller, and I look forward to the day when you conquer your demons and can start drawing again. You have a whole lot of fans out there that will continually support you any way we can. Good luck with it all Barb
August 26th, 2010 at 4:04 am
I just want to let you know that I absolutely adore Xyliatales. Your work with it has been brilliant. I know you’re having some issues right now, and I really hope you overcome them. I wish you the best. (:
I don’t find this comic flawed at all. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. From this comic, I was inspired to start writing stories again, and for that I thank you. I also admire that fact that you’ve been struggling for such a long time, but you haven’t given up yet. That gives me hope. Stay strong (: