Sorry everyone, I had posted a blog and in a fit of insecurity took it down. today’s post is one of many doodles I have been trying to do- vainly trying to find the way to create and write again. I’m failing at it pretty miserably.
I’m having a tough time in Barbland, sorry I have been absent so much. I’m not going to lie- my fear of creating and telling my story is hurting my spirit. I try to start something and I only hear how poor or wrong it is in my mind. The story was and needs to be too personal, and I am too afraid to be that vulnerable.
Fear is everywhere around me it seems. The “Negavox” are loud and strong.
———-Edit———-
Hey everyone-
Thank you so much for your kind words, you really amaze me. I will respond to what you have said in my next update, but right now I want to post responses to the last update…
————–Responses to July 28————–
JakeRaven- hee hee…you’re making me blush there. ‘crazy good looking’? what are you looking at? LOL! I was surprised that some of you said that- I really didn’t expect a response like that- I just posted those to make you all laugh! ^_^ Thank you, though.
Christine- These really reminded me of the photo booth pics my best friend MOnica and I used to do! Thank you for the kind words- and my treadmill injuries are long healed! thank you for all your support.
Rob R. - *blush* ‘super hot’? Aw jeepers….I’m really embarrassed here. That you for that, and for all the great comments about weathering the slings and arrows of the critics.
Miamistax- another one? You all are really making me blush a lot here…. the blog is a good thing for me I think, and I have done quite a few doodles of late, so I have things to post. Thank you so much for all you kind words! You all make fighting the ‘Nothing’ more of a team effort. ^_^
Jackie- Okay, yous all are just being too nice. Thank you for the kind words and the awesome ideas about how to break writer’s block. I actually find that doing ‘concept art’ where I draw potential upcoming scenes, helps me the most, and I’ve been doing quite a bit of that! Thank you so much for the suggestions and the kind words!
Tinkwrks- thank you so much for your patience!
Kez- You would take the most awesome reference shots! LOL!
Octodude- thank you very much for the kind comments on the pics- actually it’s hard to see, but the #12 pic, is actually kind of a sad face more than a kick butt face. You also got a lot of the guesses right on who I was supposed to be in the pics!
Ash- Your welcome on explaining the costume reference. Hope you are doing well on your exams! LOL- the pics with the book are supposed to be Claude reading his book… 
Brent- yes, I am both working on reference pics and crazy! You got it right there! ^_^ Loved your Avatar comment! LOL
Francisco- great suggestion about the characters figuring things out- and I’m trying to take that advice/
Silent Mech- thank you for the kind words on the workouts. I weighed myself yesterday and the scale says I’ve lost another six pounds since I last weighed- but I think the scale is wrong! Thank you for your suggestion and kind words!
Silverwolf- thank you very much for the comment- the face you commented on was me posing for a new character.
Thank you all for writing- I will answer the current posts very soon!
Thank you all for your support!
Hugs,
B
August 17th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
The offer of help in migrating the Ning data (or just in offering cute corgi picture pick-me-ups) from the ex-blog post now stands.
(And ‘ex-blog post’ makes me think of the Dead Parrot Sketch from Monty Python, for some reason. “The blog post isn’t gone. It’s just pinin’ for the fjords.”)
August 17th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
LOL! Thank you for that Sparks! I really needed a laugh right now. I think I may check out some Corgi pics from you too. Can you email me about the migrating thing- I have no idea how to do that stuff. Thanks so much! <3
August 17th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Wondered where it went. I thought I was going crazy!
Going to send a private email, if possible…
August 17th, 2010 at 6:11 pm
And now I can’t find a way to do that. Bah. Ah well, no harm in posting it here, I guess.
I’ve always really wanted to be an artist, but never had the courage. I know that paralyzing fear of putting pencil to paper. I fear reactions to content or ability, I guess. I know what it feels like to put yourself “out there”
Zoloft is really helping me with my anxiety, as is the “Feeling Good Handbook” by David D. Burns. It doesn’t have any mumbo-jumbo and doesn’t try to sell you on anything — it’s just a very straightforward owner’s manual for the human brain. Very quiet and logical. The next step for me will be working up the nerve to make an appointment for the therapist I was referred to.
Just wanted you to know you’re not the only one who goes through this, and that if I can make changes, anyone can!
August 17th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Not wanting to be hurt is a completely natural reaction especially when it’s a personal story like Xylia is for you. I hope that you feel better soon whether you are able to work on Xylia or not!
August 18th, 2010 at 12:55 am
Well, I guess it’s only fair after showing us your gorgeous self, you’d post a guy shaving. I read somewhere that lasses like watching guys shave. It’s very well drawn. Looks natural and effortless. The dog sitting patiently waiting for him to finish really completes a story in one panel. I truly envy your ability.
August 18th, 2010 at 3:22 am
I just wanted to let you know that I personally find your art inspiringly beautiful, and totally worth the wait. Story-telling is tricky business, and I completely understand the need for time. Sometimes, when I’m stuck, I like to try to create a completely different story just for myself to help clear my mind of all the clutter going on in my main stories. Most of the time, I don’t even bother to write it down; I just tell the story to myself while I’m on a walk or in the park. I don’t know if it would help, but it’s a suggestion.
I’m excited to find out what happens next, and though I haven’t been much of a commenter up to this point, I have been a reader for a while, and plan to remain on for even longer! I have faith that you will make it past this road-block!
You are an amazing artist, and never let anyone tell you otherwise!
August 18th, 2010 at 7:30 am
We’re here for you.
August 18th, 2010 at 7:31 am
Just remember that there are a lot of people who appreciate your work and know that you are a lovely person.
August 18th, 2010 at 9:08 am
Quote from Francisco – Just remember that there are a lot of people who appreciate your work and know that you are a lovely person
Including me!
Just a little heads up barb, when you post something and have RSS enabled, any person who had an rss program open at the time that the post was up will have access to that post in the cache of the program. Furthermore if you use googlereader or any other online feed gather program, you will see this post, cause these “programs” cache the feeds automaticly even while you are not online. So if you get responces to your previous post you will know where they come from.
August 18th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
I have never posted to your site before, and just wanted to say that I have not seen anything in this story that I would consider bad, wrong, poor quality, etc. As a matter of fact, a good majority of the panels you have posted have required me to take a 2nd, or even 3rd look to fully grasp all the different aspects going on. You do wonderful work Barb, don’t let personal doubt stop you from creating the wonder that is your comic.
August 18th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Hello, Barbara. As one who shares your anxiety about posting cartoons, I can say that you are ahead of the game. You have already done what a lot of us out here have only wanted to do, and you do it with such beauty and style! I can only hope that if I ever find the fortitude to complete my online comic it looks half as good as yours. Keep up the good work, and know that you have support of your fans.
August 18th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
We’re here for you Barb!
You do what you need to do while we hunt done that pesky Negavox’s plug. *mutters something about darn broken volume knobs*
August 18th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Oops…’hunt DOWN’ not ‘hunt done’. Meh…it’s still too early.
August 18th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
OMG! Claude shaving.
I love Livy sitting there waiting in the background.
It is nice to see some of the spurts of creativity from Xylia again. I am sorry that it is painful for you. Work it out on your own time (as you are already doing). When it becomes freeing for you, whatever project that takes shape in, we’ll be here.
August 18th, 2010 at 2:53 pm
An interesting blog posting I thought you might like.
http://www.virginbloggernotes.com/2010/08/13/how-to-get-off-the-meltdown-city-express/
August 19th, 2010 at 5:25 am
Hi there. Ah, never commented before, not good at commenting, never quite sure what to say, but somehow now felt like the right time, so here goes.
Well, basically, what I want to say is… not to force yourself. Xylia is… well, it’s unique, to be perfectly honest I’d have given up on most webcomics by now, but I still check yours two or three times a week hoping for news. Something amazing from someone like me. But. The person behind the comic is infinitely more important than the comic itself. If you’re feeling all that, I’m worried you’re trying to put the comic before yourself. I may just be a random reader who’s never taken the time out of his day to express anything to you before, but, well, I’d rather see the comic continued to be held off on, for as long as it takes – or even dropped entirely, if that’s what it has to come to – then for you to have any negative feelings with something I greatly enjoyed, and honestly believe you have enjoyed too. Whatever is best for you, is best for Xylia, come what may.
Well, that’s how I feel, anyways. Hope it helped in any way whatsoever, I really do. As pretentious as it may be for someone who’s never said a word to you before to say, and for whatever it’s worth… whatever happens next, I do believe in you, and I’ll be rooting for you in whatever future we find ourselves in.
August 19th, 2010 at 10:22 am
you know, barb, even if you ultimately complete xylia tales to your total satisfaction (as a result, in part of looking at your own work more critically after taking in external analysis), you still may come back to it ten years later and wish you’d done something differently. maybe not, but in my experience, that’s the nature of the things. and then your next project turns out even better, until you truly earn critical acclaim on a wide scale. i think sarah ellerton’s projects are getting better and better and she will get that soon – of course, she has truly put in the work. inverloch was wonderful, but not completely perfect – but she didn’t beat herself up about it, from what i saw as a forum goer at the time – she finished it, having gotten better as she went and started something new. she’s really shining now – keep moving forward and you will too. you’re looking back too much. look forward. i see good days!
August 19th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Be kind to yourself.. and this is what I mean… last week the “Negavox” struck me pretty hard. I felt like a glass shell walking around. That the slightest hint of cruelty from another or myself and I would shatter into a million pieces never to be re-assembled. And oh we can be so cruel to ourselves imagining everyone snickering at us behind our backs, making snide remarks at the everything from the way our hair is done to the clothes we have on. Looking at it now, I know no one’s doing that and even if they are it’s none of my freakin’ business what they think of me anyway… it really only matters what I think, but when the “Negavox” is in full swing it’s as if every glance, every word from a stranger is a bayonet stabbed into my heart. But last week with the last fading remnants of logic, I also said to myself. “Okay, this is part of who I am, these horrible phases of fragility and fear. How can I make this easier to deal with?” Note I didn’t say get rid of, because I’m not sure I’ll ever get rid of those ugly voices. They are so ingrained and so deeply entwined with all that I am, I wouldn’t know where to even start. Maybe, instead, I can help myself to move through those times and come out on the other side a little less scathed. So this is what I did… I was kind to myself for once. I took the day so very slowly, did my best to let go of any expectations, puttered around in my craft room and painted, listened to my favorite music and hugged my dog… a lot.
I won’t lie and say magically I felt all better. I still spent the day feeling like glass, tempted to grab the exacto knife and see if I was still alive from the bright red blood I know would come… but I didn’t. One small miracle did happen though, the “Negavox” lasted only one day, when usually it will consume me for days once it starts. I don’t know if this will work everytime, but I’m going to keep trying.
I’m sitting here typing this, feeling tears wanting to fall, because I understand. I so understand how the darkness sneaks up and tries to steal everything that is good and beautiful and wonderful about yourself. Please be kind to yourself, Barb. We are all here rooting for you.
August 20th, 2010 at 3:10 am
(winks at Samianne) See? See? Guys shaving … and girls go gaga. (rummages about for razor). One little sketch and look at all the positive reaction and love you get! There is no one like you. Such talent. If I finally get around to drawing something, I’ll be thrilled if one or two people go, “meh.”
August 20th, 2010 at 4:22 am
I wish there was something I could do to help. But do know that you have my continued support and good wishes. I look forward to seeing Xyliatales return, no matter how long it takes.
*yells loudly to drown out the Negavox!!!*
August 20th, 2010 at 4:35 am
Oh, please try to relax Barb. We are good and understanding fans. You shouldn’t feel so pressured about telling your story. Just think about it as use as…storytime. We’re all strangely patient little children sitting at your feet, but we don’t speak english, so you have to draw us pictures. Small children won’t attack you if you don’t tell the story perfectly. haha! Or at least I hope not!
August 20th, 2010 at 5:25 am
Critics grow on trees and under rocks – if they actually had any talent, they’d spend their time doing something constructive.
Every artist, every writer, every performer has doubts. Not one of them has supreme confidence – they only appear to. All of the greats had their moments of misgiving. But, in the end, they did what they loved and felt was right.
“Painting, n: the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.”
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Be bold. Be true. Care not of the opinions of those who do nothing.
August 20th, 2010 at 5:58 am
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling so down on yourself, Barb. But don’t let that mean person in your mind tell you that your story is bad. Because it’s awesome. I know that you probably hear that you are talented and inspiring a lot, but I’ll tell you again that you are really talented. All I’ve seen is your two webcomics, and I love them. You have a sophisticated style of art and storytelling that has made Xylia one of my favorite comics on the web. It’s one of only six webcomics in the whole internet that I visit regularly, and it’s my favorite. Seriously, I really enjoy reading your story. I think it takes a lot of courage to write and draw a webcomic, and then post it for the faceless, unpredictable internet community to read. And we love it. Thank you for treating your fans so well over the years, because that has made it so much to read your comics. I hope you and your creative spirit start feeling better soon.
August 20th, 2010 at 8:54 am
I am soo sorry that you had to run into one of the a*holes of this world. Please bear in mind one thing, public reviews are there solely for the aggrandisement of the reviewer, period, paragraph, end of story! Proper reviews are made in private and without the ego-tripping. Yes, I only just read the review and it pisses me off. It was bigoted, mean, and hateful. Some of the respondents were their sycophants.
Any story can be panned, thereby making the reviewer look good. It places the reviewer in a psuedo-superior position, above the author. The thing is that, none of the public reviewers have or are able to create their own content. Rather, the only content that they can create are the ripping reviews and their audience actually grades them on how badly they can tear up a creative effort. It’s sick, I know.
I’m a novelist who has also spent over thirty years being a programmer. Yes, a programmer that creates applications for consumption by the general public gets reviews too
I also grew up near Los Angeles. I have both seen and experienced this time and again. These public reviewers spercialise in the scathing review, that’s how they sell column-inches, eyeballs, whatever. It is what keeps them in business, their business model. For that reason, their opinion means NOTHING! The first thing a Hollywood agent will tell a client is to IGNORE THE CRITICS and with good reason!
The only reviews that you should ever read are those that you’ve asked for from trusted people. Those whom you respect, IN PRIVATE! That is the only way that you can be assured of an honest review. These gratuitous public reviews serve no other purpose than to feed the reviewer’s ego and, not incidently, their pocket.
That said, I have long felt that “writing as you go” is only for the very experienced writer (Hemmingway, par example). I am planning on publishing my own novels on the web but only after I have completed them to at least the first galley review stage. At least, get enough of the story written ahead of the artwork such that a lot of the rewriting happens before you have to draw it.
I like Claudius and I like Xyliatales. I hope that you can get past this and recapture your muse.
August 21st, 2010 at 3:07 pm
*Reads Slamlander’s line about recapturing a muse… thinks… brings out a butterfly net and hands it to Barb.*
I didn’t see the other blog post. I’m sorry to hear about the creating-fear continuing to be so painful. As has already been said, Barb – you’re so talented. I would follow that up with “You don’t need to be afraid”… but I know how meaningless that can end up being against the negavox voices and creatophobia. And let’s face it, regardless of how skilled and talented a person is, sometimes everyone fails (which, incidentally, I’m not saying you’ve done. But I know it’s a big part of this kind of fear). The problem is finding a way to make that okay. That’s quite a puzzle for me.
I know in my own case… well, I mentioned last time my own issues with creative (and other) projects at the moment. Since then, I’ve actually made some progress along the lines of creating something. But I started with the least threatening, least touchy, least personal project. Part of this, admittedly, was just that it started cooperating at one point, for reasons I can’t even think of at the moment :-p. But… I wonder whether there’s something somewhat like this for you – something less threatening and personal that you could sort of “warm up on.” Or just enjoy. It may be something that’s on the margins, not that close to you… but because of that you could feel free to create it, and in the process get some of the joy of creating back. As far as I’m concerned… I’m hoping the process of working on my first, more detached project will sorta build up my ability to tackle some of the others. Maybe this would work for you. Maybe it wouldn’t. And maybe you’re tired of hearing ideas and advice from 1,000 different angles… in which case, ignore this completely! Either way, it’s an idea, whether it’s something that helps, or something you wad up to throw at that silly, fleeing muse to stun it so you have a chance to make good use of that butterfly net.