Exposition page today. Lots of writing… I hope this all makes sense. This is me trying to cram what would be two chapters of a book into one or two pages of comic. 
I hope you enjoyed the two updates last week! If you can donate and help the cause…and maybe get another two update week…
To download naked pics (IF you’re over 18):
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New incentives coming soon!
Today, I want to blog about blessings. And how grateful I am right now for the things some people recently brought to me when I needed it the very most. This is a profound, to my knees gratitude, and while my simplistic blogging cannot begin to convey how thankful I am, I will still try.
To any of you who are regular readers, it’s no secret that even when I’m not going through financial stuff, I’m challenged with bouts of painful depression from time to time. This is something that has been part of my life for over thirty years (or longer), that I work very hard to manage, and while I have some resources to go to, they sometimes work, and sometimes don’t. When they don’t work, I can spiral into an occasional tailspin, and it can get pretty damn rough until I right myself again.
It’s a blinding experience when this happens, and in hindsight I can see that at those times, my judgment is skewed, and my scope of comprehension is warped. But that’s hindsight, and we all know that’s a 20/20 viewpoint. In the midst of depression, reason is incapacitated, and all bets are off. Not many people in my life can deal with me at those times, and I am loathe to ask them to, so I’ve learned to do the best I can to hide it, but admittedly there are points where that becomes impossible.
And that’s when the ‘angels’ come.
First my children. I try my best to cover up when I’m down. I go behind closed doors and cry into pillows, but somehow they know. Yesterday they both sought me out, put their arms around me and told me it was okay. They let me be who I am, and accepted me that way and were there when I needed love most of all.
Sometimes, like a wounded creature, I will lash out at people who try to be there. And I did that earlier this week to someone, a dear, dear friend, who didn’t deserve it. I fully expected to be cast aside, but this friend did not leave. No matter how I pushed away. This friend said, “every true friend is worth all the gold in the world. All the effort in the world. I wouldn’t trade my friends for anything. That includes you.”
And then there are the people ‘out there’. Blessed people who I don’t really know, and who don’t really know me, but just out of some kindness in their hearts are inspired to write words of encouragement in response to my down-in-the-dumps blogs. No- ‘shut ups’ , no- ‘quit whining’, just many, many words of support and encouragement. People sharing stories of ‘I understand’ or ‘I’ve experienced that too’. Telling me how much they enjoy my art and story. Buoying me by showing me that just perhaps I might have a purpose after all.
And then I received this gift. I have gotten many pieces of fan art and writing
over the years and I love every single one of them. I appreciate the time and effort the creators put into something bringing to life images of characters I created but who speak to them as well.
But this art. This one…this is something special to me. It came at a time when I needed it so much, but moreover, it expresses a deep connection to what my stories are really, truly about, at least for me. Erin Fitzgerald
of Shades of Veil created this
for me.
I am blessed, and I am grateful. And here in this public blog, I give the most sincerest thanks I can give to all of you for your support, kind words, letting me rant, but mostly for reading this little story that is the expression of the dream I have always had.
March 29th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Barb, I have endeavored to reach out to you from time to time, because, with God’s help, I (hopefully) extend to you some modest comfort and, at the same time, keep my own perspective straightened out. I too have gone through some bad patches in my time, especially during the times in my early sobriety when I was trying to get my head on straight. Afterwards, as I’ve told you, I got custody and legal gaurdianship of my two daughters which was yet another reason to take care of myself, both emotionally and spiritually.
Being willing to reach out to others who are hurting is part and parcel on my ongoing personal therapy. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to do so.
BTW, you are still on my prayer list and there’s not one thing that you can do about it!!
March 30th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Big hugs for you Barb, Im glad that we and the physical people around you can give you some support and that you accept it, and feel blessed by it.
I really like the page, it gives some new info about the characters again. I love the idea of Adora being able to paint portal paintings.
And I think Ambrosia is very right. If its time for you to learn something or to do something, itll come to you. I have to remind myself that everytime. You can get sucked in with all the things you want to do, learn, find… But this thought can take some of that burden away, though it can be really frustrating to have to wait though
March 30th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Wow. I can see why her gift spoke to you. That is an incredibly beautiful piece of art. And I add my hugs to the pile. That’s one of the hardest parts about depression is the alone-ness of it. You want to reach out so badly to ask for help, but at the same time you’re terrified that people will reject you. That people will tell you “oh, just get over it” or that “it’s all in your mind”. In fact for me, it’s almost like being trapped inside your own mind. Just know that there are people who care about you and really do understand. If you’d like to hear my struggle and how I work to keep it in check, please feel free to e-mail me. I’d be glad to share my story with you.
March 30th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Oh, Barb, that could have been *me* writing your blog this morning.. I, too, have suffered from depression for over 30 years.. I, too, am a “single” parent (in quotes because I have the help of my my very dearest hypertwin) with High Maintenance children (one of which is a profoundly autistic teenager), and I, too, try to hide it from others.. I, too, lash out at the ones whom I love the most.. only to have them not turn me away either.. If not for these wonderful people in my life, I too, would not have the strength to carry on…
I know how it is when one is in the Middle of a Despair; how one’s judgment is off.. how it feels like it’ll be hurting like that forever without end… How sometimes the skills & tools one has feel ineffective & make one not feel very strong or capable or much of anything…
I am so very glad that you have dear people in your life to bolster you when you need it because I know even as the sky is blue and the grass is green, I too, would have departed this earth long ago…
Keep on hanging in there, Barb, I keep doing it, so I know you can too *hgugles*
March 30th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I am so sorry to hear that you suffer from depression. I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety in the fourth grade and I have been dealing with it for almost twenty years now. I hate feeling so raw emotionally, even well-intentioned words and actions hurt. Luckily, I found a medicine that works for me and I have the loving support of my family and God. Right now I am doing great! Maybe depression can’t be beaten entirely but it can be held back! Keep up the good work Barb!
March 30th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Wow, Barb…..I’m sorry to hear about you suffering from bouts of depression. Myself, I suffer from rare episodes of fainting that can require hospitalization unless I take my meds daily, which is basically three 500 milligram pills. Of course, depression can need more than medicine, it needs people….people like the one who drew that beautiful picture for you. Keep up the good work, Barbzilla! *huggle*
Moving onto the comic, I have two things to say.
-That frame of Adora should be on a T-Shirt with the caption, “DON’T RUSH ME!!!”
-Ambrosia’s philosophy basically seems to be, “Something will probably occur, but there is no sure way of knowing definitely when or where until it does.” Makes me wonder how him and Morpheus from The Matrix movies would get along.
Also, Amby is looking a lot more like Christopher Lee than he has before. Yayness.
March 30th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Hey y’all- sorry to be so heavy handed with the blog today (I think I scared away people from commenting.) It wasn’t my intention to be that way, I just wanted to say thank you.
As always, Joseph thank you for the kind words and prayers!
Henrike- yes, I Ambrosia is relating something that I need to remember too!
Christine, thank you for that, and I would like to hear your story- you can email me @ bji2001mchsi.com. One of the things that I try to dispel is the myth that depression is something that should be hidden or not talked about.
Harena- bless your heart for taking on the challenges you do while managing depression episodes. Finding support is key. I like your phrase Middle of Despair like it’s its own place with zipcode. That’s really good. I tend to default to Winston Churchill’s black dog…stalking and jumping on you when you least expect it until you can wrestle it back to it’s cage.
Tinker, I’m so glad to hear that you have found effective meds! That’s half the battle. I haven’t been as lucky with that, but I’m learning to deal. Thank you for the kind words!
Brent, I’m sorry that you have those fainting spells, that can be dangerous. I hope you are having success with the meds in managing taht. Thanks for the comments on the page- yes Claude is saying
‘When will you put an end to that painting?!’
and Adora is all
‘When I am finished.’
LOL! Amby. LOL!!
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support!!
~B
March 30th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
B… that is some incredible guess art!
And I can SOOOO feel your pain. Ever since I lost my job, my world has been (at best) grey. I’ve lost my love of everything. Only my wife and girls make my heart flutter from time to time. Even Broken is almost impossible to work on.
Your bravery and stick-to-itiveness are inspirational. The way you keep turning out such beautiful work is equally encouraging.
Thank you.
And I’m not whining. I will survive. Things will eventually improve. But, until they do, I take solace and inspiration from your life and your work.
Again: thanks.
March 31st, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Barbarian –
Yeah, I thought you’d like that “Amby” thing. As for the meds, it’s only when I don’t take them that I need to worry, so don’t fret over lil’ ol’ me too much.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:54 am
Livy looks like a dog whom my neighbour adopted. Almost exactly. It’s kinda freaky.
April 1st, 2009 at 6:32 am
Hi Barb,
Wow. My forum post on gift art sure was timely.
Thank you for your kind words regarding the many virtual others, the feeling is mutual. Though, I hope one day our paths may cross and retire that whole virtual distinction. We all have emotional high and low periods … try doing a dissertation with full time family sometime. We all love the highs and we all manage the lows in our own ways – some more successfully than others. Though, when you find yourself in the doldrums please always remember that you have an entire wonderful community that you have helped create. We’re all here because of your selfless sharing of your talents and tale spinning. We’re all here because you have captured our hearts and imaginations and give us something wonderful to look forward to each and every week. We’re because Xylia, Claude, Tychia and all the others have been brought to life for us by your engaging ability to spin a tale. Finally, we’re all here because you share not only your talents and tales, but you interact with your community and rejoice in the tales as much as we do.
You have every reason to be proud of what you’ve created here. And I admire what you’re trying to do. Keep your head up, Barb! You’re the best.
Oh, though if you ever do want to repay us for our undying loyalty, when you sell the movie rights to the Xylia franchise for big, big bucks … I’ll happily accept a couple tickets to the movie premier.
Matt
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:05 am
i am moved by your words. you are surprisingly brave and honest – and definitely headed in the right direction. for sure, good things are coming your way.
just last week my sister (who is a naturopath with a practice in portland, OR) and i were speaking by phone about mental illness. she says if i read through psych descriptions of various disorders, i will come to believe i have each and every one of them – and the reason for this is, that everyone has them, just to varying degrees, and it is the person who is unable to cope with it who ends up being diagnosed. this makes sense to me, as i have severe allergies and know people who have them with many varying degrees. i fully believe that some of these mental imbalances come from chemical imbalances…so naturally there would be all levels of these too, and this leads us to believe that meds might work for this. i know they do work wonders for some people, but i think psych meds, like much medicine, unfortunately, has a long way to go. many anti-depressants, in particular, have been tested in control studies to have no more than a placebo effect. life can be extremely challenging, and sometimes i know i cry for no reason – all we can do is what you are already doing – move ahead and try to stay positive. and i love you for sharing that because perhaps you give others courage to do the same.
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:37 am
Hey! More comments-
Chip- I hope things get better soon for you, I know they will, but I hope it’s soon. I’m sure you’ve heard the ‘one door closes another opens’ thing to death, but honestly it’s true. It just takes a while to see it sometimes. Thank you for the kind words- and same thing back at you. I hope you’ve been able to put some time into your own art.
Brent, I will TRY not to worry, but I can’t help it. It’s a mom thing.
D.eb- OO! Can you sneak pics? Or better yet, tell your neighbor and have HERpost pics!!!
(A Livy lookalike contest! WHOO HOO!)
Matt- Thank you so much for all of your kind words. And honey, when this thing makes the silver screen it will be a Xyliacs PARTAY!!!
Michelle- I totally agree about everyone having something and the key being coping. I totally do. Coping strategies are the key to everything. And I have learned many – the trick is implementation. When you aren’t raised with those strategies and learn them in adulthood they are much harder- like learning a foreign language. (This is why I raised my kids knowing them- ALL!!
)
The role that psych meds play is a confusing one. I don’t like them in some ways, either mostly because of the ambiguity. NO ONE KNOWS WHY THEY WORK. Or IF they do. But even if they do function as a placebo, if they can stop the spinning thoughts for a bit so you have a chance to work on conginitive approaches, I think they have some value. There is no doubt that they have helped many of my friends who suffer from OCD and schizophrenia. With depression it’s hit or miss.
But thank you for your kind words, and I DO hope that by me saying ‘I deal with this’ just as my friend with diabetes does, or my other friend with cancer, or Brent with his fainting condition- that it shows that just like any other health condition, I don’t think depression is something to be ashamed of or afraid of, but just something to work on and treat.
So let’s move ahead and stay positive together, what say?! ^_^
Thank you everyone!
~Hugs, B
April 5th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Every time I look at this page I think Adora looks like a young Bernadette Peters. Just felt the urge to share that. ^^’
April 6th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Depression is such an ugly thing, I agree. Panic depression is even worse, now, I hope, gone forever.
But sometimes it’s not depression, it’s sadness and we have every right to be sad from time to time. It’s hard to distinguish between the two of them, if you are prone to depression. But it’s less tension if you just allow yourself to be sad sometimes. We don’t have to pretend that it’s all fine 24/7. Sometimes life is a piece of s***, when you look at it, and the next moment it’s wonderful again